Preparing for the Celebrity Superbowl

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! (other than arguably Christmas-time, March Madness, and, well, all of summer).  The Academy Awards air this Sunday night on ABC (with judgment hour starting on the red carpet at least an hour before the show)!  While I may not subscribe to many activities most consider traditionally girly, and generally can’t be bothered with gossip sites or debating the latest celebrity marriage or faux pas, there is something about this night that gives me full-fledged Oscar fever. 

I’d like to tell you it’s because I’m a bit of a movie buff.  And, I am.  I love movies, especially independent flicks, cult classics and historical pieces with just the right amount of action.  My dvd collection rivals many and there are few noteworthy films I haven’t seen.  And I’ll own it, I’m kind of a giant nerd.  You can’t just watch a movie with me and expect to get away unscathed.  I’m going to want to talk about it and think it through…together.  I’m going to form opinions and blindly stick to them.  I’m going to ask you questions that there is no way you could possibly know the answer to and then get annoyed when you don’t.  More times than I care to admit, I have faulted Hollywood for overhyping what might otherwise have been a perfectly enjoyable movie but for the unreasonable expectations they created - and then acted like it was an original criticism.  And, you’ll have to feed me some alcohol before I’ll admit I enjoy a good chick flick every now and then, and I do.

But with the Oscars, it’s like gearing up for the superbowl of movies, with the golden globes being like a play-off game, letting us know who we may want to be on the watch for, what underdogs have managed to surprise us and what favorite teams have been overlooked or perhaps just overrated.  It’s All-American competition at its finest.  Every year I’m late to work the morning the nominees are announced.  I sit at the edge of my couch, sipping my coffee and waiting patiently for the years contenders.  I then immediately add any movie I haven’t yet seen in the ‘best (and supporting) actor’, ‘best screenplay’, ‘best (and supporting) actress’, ‘best movie’ and ‘best foreign film’ categories to my Netflix queue before heading to the office.  I also take pretty seriously my quest of seeing each best movie nominee prior to the main event.  This was much easier to accomplish when there were just 6 movies a year.  Indeed, my social life may have slightly suffered the year they introduced 10.   This year, I’ll admit, I did a piss poor job of meeting this goal and haven't even seen half.  In my defense, it is partially because I am (somehow) still reading “The Help” (lesson learned: never buy a hardcover book) and next up is “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” – and I just won’t see either movie before finishing the books.  (But your math is correct, that doesn't excuse 3 others).  As a result, I’ll be forced to treat my office Oscar Pool similar to my NCAA brackets and spend days reading predictions and reviews of the various nominees.  If I’m going to trash talk, I need to be educated.  Of course, that is why I prefer to personally research each movie and then do two separate pools – the way I think it will go and the way I think it should go (are you terrified that you’re friends with me yet?).  Like, my march madness bracket experience, I have never won an Oscar Pool. 

But hell, as a footnote for fun (I haven’t figured out actual footnote capabilities here, sorry), my best movie pick is The Artist although the Academy does love Clooney which would give a vote to the Descendents.  And while I enjoyed that movie thoroughly it did not compare to Moneyball, which will be my personal pick (though I did love Midnight in Paris and spent weeks after fantasizing about Paris in the 1920s).

But it is not just the movies.  Oh how I could justify my obsession if it was limited to something smart like that.  The truth is, I can’t get enough of the fashion police and listen to Joan Rivers red carpet report like its gospel.  “What was she thinking with that hair?” Preach it, Joan!  But only after weighing in (to whoever is unfortunate enough to be watching with me) with my own unsophisticated opinions on the night’s fashion.  I consider and respond to people’s posts on facebook or twitter giving their opinions on a particular actress's ensemble, when generally those type of posts would cause me to roll my eyes slightly.  Okay fine, more than slightly.  I don’t know what it is about the Oscars, but I definitely drank the juice and am a lifelong cult member.  There’s something about the evening that makes me feel like Cinderella at the ball, even though I’m generally just sipping wine in my sweatpants.  And like any American, I can’t help but picture myself there as I practice my acceptance speech in the shower. 

Ohhh, the speeches, I almost forgot!  The inspiring and heartfelt ones make me cry.  The blubbering fools make me laugh.  Acceptance speeches provide a whole other level of judgment and entertainment and any speech that lends itself to water cooler talk (this expression has probably lost its relevance, huh?) the next day gets a special shout out and place in my heart.  And, almost as great as some of those speeches are, is the shot of the actors who did not win.  There are few things more enjoyable than watching someone contort their face in a way where they try not to let on just how disappointed they are as they clap and blow kisses.  Mean?  Perhaps, but these people are wearing gowns that cost more than my yearly salary and were still nominees, there’s no feeling sorry here.   Let’s face it, just because no one remembers second place in most of life does not mean the same holds true for celebrities.   Their names and images are already burned in our brain and invoke such feelings of jealousy as is.  Sure, they might not announce at next year’s event and they may not get to take home little golden Oscar, but they are clearly all winners (except for the obvious ways in which most of them are clearly not winners…please do not make Charlie Sheen jokes here).

This year, without checking the calendar, I bought concert tickets for the night of the Oscars.  After literally crying about it, I realized I could record the event and then actually fast forward through the awards no one cares about, plus, of course, all those pesky commercials.  See the benefits having a life will gain you sometimes?  (I'm learning)  The only hurdle will be the test of my willpower avoiding facebook and twitter throughout the night so as to not have any of the outfits or awards ruined.  In connection with my thoughts earlier this week, I realize how pathetic it is that this feat will require a conscious effort on my part.  Summoning facebook on my iphone has become second nature, it is almost a reflex when there is any downtime whatsoever like waiting on lines (or in line - donwnstate/upstate debate - GO!), and I will be waiting on/in a line.  Oh no! So, instead of the E network and everyone who’s anyone in Hollywood all evening, I’ll be spending my night rocking out to an indie singer in one of my favorite venues in Manhattan and THEN get to head home for a hot date with my DVR.   Umm, best day ever. 

I’m anxious to see if Billy Crystal can remedy the train wreck that was last year’s hosting (I have faith that he can) and am more than rationally excited for the bridesmaids cast as they take the stage to present.  So, pop the champagne and get ready to toast the Academy with me this Sunday.  And, Monday morning, if you’re looking for anyone to chat about the debacles, the travesties, the stunning or the laughs – I’m your girl.

Our love/hate relationship with social media

I know I’ve already touched upon the facebook phenomenon but more and more the pros and cons of social media and social networking are coming up in conversation and so I'm bringing it up again.  I, like many people in my generation, have a love/hate relationship with all things social media. We live in an age where we are constantly inundated with information about anything and everything and more importantly anyone and everyone.  Facebook and twitter have become the source for all noteworthy news developments.  For example, there isn't a celebrity or athlete who passed away in the last few years that I didn't first hear about on facebook (or I guess, courtesy of my CNN breaking news iPhone app notifications). This constant up to the minute knowledge of absolutely everything has benefits but it also has its fair share of negative consequences.


A recent NYTimes Article explored this constant source of information about everyone, the “TMI” aspects of facebook and many of the phenomenons we have all discussed/admitted amongst our friends.  I suggest you give it a read if you haven’t yet.  Reflecting on the article and the quotes in the article got me really thinking about how it has affected our day to day life in ways we have just sort of accepted.  And of course, this piggybacks on the study that came out over the last year that created a bit of buzz about how facebook activity was linked to happiness levels and suggested facebook could lead to feelings of depression.  The study essentially found that people who have had facebook longer and had more facebook friends they didn't actually know perceived others to be happier than they were and thought life was less fair. Once again I question whether a study was actually necessary to verify this phenomenon.  If you asked any of my friends, they would acknowledge that facebook has a remarkable way of making people feel bad about their lives.  Because no matter what you have going on, you don’t have something that one (or 200) of your friends, or rather "friends", apparently have.  Indeed, even on a good day, you are confronted with an image of something you want.  While posting pictures from a recent vacation, I was simultaneously jealous of pictures other people had posted from their recent vacation somewhere else.  That’s insane and I recognize it, but I can’t help that it happened.  Facebook has actually somehow made me jealous of things I know I don’t even want, so envy over travel to faraway places seems to be the least of my concerns. 


For people who are by nature a bit competitive (me), with this constant state of comparison and introductions to new places and things, facebook presents a game that no one can win.  Are facebook and twitter the new abusive relationships? And let’s not forget (since we seem to so easily forget) the obvious fact that people only post the happy times, the good vacation shots, the smiles, the accomplishments. (well most people – there are the exceptions who are constantly posting crys for help or uncomfortable status messages).  If we got a realistic view of most of our facebook friends and foes, we likely wouldn’t feel as bad about our lives in comparison.  I have yet to see a picture of a baby throwing a tantrum or a couple fighting or a friend sitting at her desk crying.  That’s the problem with being fb friends with people you don’t really know well or for whom you have no basis to compare their stories.  For the most part, I don’t get suicidal looking at my good friend’s pages because I’m simultaneously reading an email where they’re complaining about their job, a fight, an ailment, etc.  And, of course, it’s much easier to be genuinely happy for a real friend than some chic who wasn’t so nice to us in high school.   Facebook portrays our best lives (a la Oprah), whether they are true or not.


Don’t get me started on the lack of ground rules for social media etiquette.  I could write a book specifically directed at over-sharers or narcissistic facebook users (which perhaps seems hypocritical since I mean it’s 2012 and I'm writing a blog and expect you to give a damn, clearly I'd have no leg to stand, but shh).  But why people think a play by play of their day is interesting to anyone I’ll never understand.  We’re not in college and this isn’t AIM.   And don’t jump to the conclusion that I’m just jealous because a play by play of my day would either bore people to death or make them want to take their own lives.  While that may be true, I equally doubt people are impressed with the number of loads of laundry you did today and how good your workout was (pick one thing and run with it).  Sorry, but, no one cares how you spent every moment of today.  No one.  Of course, worse is when people post specific health ailments, in crude detail.  Share that stuff with your doctor please but not with 300 people who you may or may not have ever had a conversation with.  And a popular example among my “fb friends” which is filed under things I promise I will never do (I wonder if any of my friends have started keeping a list of all the many things I promise I will never do, it’ll be fun to see how soon I’m a liar) relates to the inability of people to censor themselves and separate appropriate from TMI.  Listen, posting a picture of you with your baby bump is cute (I suppose, or depending on who you are if we're being honest), announcing your pregnancy by posting a picture of your baby inside of your stomach (aka, a sonogram) is something I find creepy and not so much cute.  Please show that to your mother, your in-laws and perhaps your best friends (I have appreciated my fair share of friends’ first sonograms – and I mean that) but not 500 people who knew you once and made the mistake of friending you on facebook.  While plenty of people will disagree with me on this point (based on the fact that every early sonogram picture I’ve ever been forced to view has been accompanied by approximately 100 “likes”, but the thing about facebook is you cannot choose what you see or don’t see, I can’t instruct facebook to hide specific things that make me uncomfortable (specific people yes, but not specific categories) and once you’ve seen it, there’s no forgetting it was seen.  So for me its a stranger's sonogram, for someone else it's something different.  I just think some things are better left for good old fashioned e-mail.  (imagine that - I just referred to e-mail as old-fashioned).  The fact that everyone else seems to be doing things that others would view as just unnecessary, does not make it acceptable.  If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?  Actually, you should.  Go jump off a bridge. 


And it’s not just that as we age facebook becomes babybook or weddingbook.  Although, good god – that seriously describes my entire newsfeed.  I’m not being a hater, just pointing out the ways our newsfeeds have changed.  Granted, this goes to me having to do some fb friend spring cleaning.  The truth is most of the infants clogging my newsfeed belong to people I haven’t spoken to in a decade, if I even spoke to them then.  There are easily 50 people on my friends list that I allegedly went to high school with.  I know this because they list our high school in their info section and we have 300 ‘friends’ in common.  I have no recollection of ever knowing these people though.  And yet, for some odd reason I felt compelled to accept their friend requests.  Why?  Seeing people I really am or was friends with appear so happy can be depressing enough, why would I subject myself to further self deprecation at the hands of people I genuinely don’t give a shit about?  And yet, here we are. And I mean the thing is, I actually do think its completely creepy the amount of intimate details being posted all over the internet about these innocent children (but its not just that - I just keep coming back to this example because I'm fairly certain a baby is not hacking your account and posting details about the contents of their diaper or their sleeping patterns, so they seem like victims to me - and someone has to speak for the victims).  I understand there are privacy settings and that again everyone’s doing it, but if you have more than 100 or so people on your friend list, I think its sort of strange how much virtual strangers know about your babies, your health problems, your job woes or any other item filed under ‘personal’.  Just saying. 


One of the quotes (by Julie Klam) from the NY Times Article  that I couldn’t help but laugh at was “If the F.B.I. came and ransacked my computer, they’d be like: ‘What is your obsession with this person from sixth grade? Why have you looked at her picture a million times?’”  I can relate to this statement all too well.  There are a handful of people (it might be a large hand, to be fair) who I find myself inexplicitly stalking.  (not an ex or a rival or any other label that might warrant solidarity and empathy from most people either).  There are days where I’m tempted to get a restraining order against myself on their behalf, because it is really terrifying the way I suddenly find myself on their pages and generally without leaving a trace, except – perhaps – a once a year happy birthday post. 


I have a friend who deactivated her facebook account for reasons similar to the study cited above.  For her, the negative feelings that resulted from facebook outweighed the benefits.  She was constantly being forced to look at the things she didn’t have and was not sure she would ever have and that became too much for her mental health to handle on a day to day basis.  She decided to take some time to focus on her “real life” relationships and not get weighed down by comparing her life to the lives of those she saw on a website.  I applaud her for making the change.  If something becomes more of a negative than a positive, then the right answer is to remove it from your life.  I’m not there yet, but even if I was, I don’t think I’d have the willpower, the discipline, to keep away from it.  Since my friend seems truly happier since her departure from the facebook world, I found myself inspired and went on a bit of a facebook cleanse during my last vacation.  For 7 days I refused to sign in and fully focused on my activities each day.  I felt rejuvenated and more sane than I had in awhile.  (Of course, like I said I was on vacation so rejuvenation was likely a side effect of that).   But, that facebook break was easy because I was busy doing interesting things and enjoying each day.  As soon as I returned to my desk, my computer, my real life, the temptation of the facebook procrastination tool was no longer avoidable.  (okay fine, I actually only made it as far as the airport - I might be a bit of an addict).  And yes, of course, this story lends itself to some idiot suggesting we should always be fully focused on our activities  and doing interesting things and enjoying each day, but as a permanent resident of reality, I'll just give that idiot the middle finger for all of us.


Plus, as Sloane Crosley stated in the NY Times Article: “Even if you hide a person’s news feed, you know it’s there…And then you might find yourself going to their page to get a direct hit, which can only be worse.”  For me, the damage has already been done once that person has joined my facebook network.  The things I've learned and the stories I've probably fabricated courtesy of everyone's favorite stalker website could fill a book, and most of them just popped up without any effort from me.  There is no forgetting they’re there, and as I’m a bit of a masochist, I can’t help but frequent the pages of people who have whatever it is I think I am missing on a particular day.  And doesn’t it seem like your frenemies just flaunt their happiness in your face? Or how about those ex-friends who you don’t actively wish bad things on, but it sure is annoying when you see how good everything appears.  Or when you see them commenting and ‘liking’ other peoples posts or activities and realizing they don’t even bother faking it with you.  It’s a strange world when a friend cuts you off in real life but lets you just linger there in virtual life and then each “online activity” serves as another blow. 


I have done exactly what Sloane Crosley discussed.  I hid an ex-boyfriend, but didn’t unfriend him for some reason.  I guess at the time I wasn’t as active on facebook and it seemed like more of a statement than to just ignore him.  And the fact was 90% of the time, I was fine with it.  I’d go months without typing his name into the search field.  But then, every once in awhile, my fingers would involuntarily enter his name and I’d be confronted with the proof that he insisted on continuing to live.  And, every time I did, I regretted it.  The final blow came when I learned of his engagement on facebook.  There are certain things that you just don’t need to discover about people from your past, especially on the internet.  To read people congratulating someone who you don’t think deserves any semblance of happiness is like reopening an old wound and then pouring salt in it.  I finally erased him from my life in the only way he remained.


The other side to that story, of course, is perhaps one of the reasons I didn’t unfriend as long as I did (other than the saving face aspects and the general lack of caring - for the most part, most days) was because part of me wanted to demonstrate how “well” I was doing.  Like, see that picture of me doing that cool thing?  Yeah, I’m awesome.  This completely flawed logic is one that has been admitted by many of my friends and while I hadn’t considered it initially I can’t say it didn’t play a role in my thought process as well.  The best revenge is living well, after all, isn’t it?  So it seems we use a facebook as a weapon in the very same way we often complain it bruises our egos.  I never claimed we weren't complicated. 


However, I also recognize the many positive ways facebook, linked in and other social media sites have influenced my life.   And for me, the positives still outweigh the (seemingly many) negatives.  Through facebook I have reconnected with people from my past – in real ways.  The other week I went to dinner with a college friend who I hadn’t seen in 8 years.  It hardly seemed like any time had passed and I feel fortunate to have had the chance to catch up and start building that friendship again.  Similarly, I reconnected with my college roommate on linked a couple of years ago.  After 6 years of not speaking, we are now back in touch and see each other twice a year.  As I stated in an earlier post - http://redorwhiteandlifesotherdilemmas.blogspot.com/2011/06/friendship-facade-in-facebook-age.html - I know plenty of other people who have rekindled old relationships, romantic or otherwise, or who have built new ones thanks to this social media platform.  Plus, for the many people who I don’t have the time to see as much as I’d like to, facebook does fill a small void.  It allows me to stay somewhat up to date on their lives, which makes it easier to just pick up where we left out when we do see each other.  In weighing the pros and cons, I've found these stories more significant and worth the occasional questions of self-worth we may succumb to on a vulnerable day.


I also use social media as a fundraising tool.  It has proven a remarkable way to spread awareness and to advocate for causes.  Posting a link of my wall provides information to way more people than I could hope to reach otherwise.  In fact, a friend recently launched a kickstarter campaign and (in part) through the use of social media she was able to raise $10,000 and actually follow her dreams.  That sort of accomplishment certainly should not be overlooked.  So at this point, the benefits of social media and the way it has positively affected my life keep me from falling into the dark downward spiral of self-loathing that many others have experienced at its hands (most days anyway).  And so, I’ll accept some of the negatives, and I’ll be okay with the fact that I'll continue to torture myself by checking the pages of people I regret not having in my life anymore because once I close my computer, I’ll get drinks with someone I know again because of it.  And, we’ll talk about some great new artist or interesting article or friend in common that we gained insight about because of this devil – facebook, in the first place. 

Let's delve into 2012...

I make no secret about my distaste for the whole idea of new years resolutions.  The concept of making life changes and setting unrealistic goals because the calendar tells you it’s the time to do that - and, then, ultimately, failing anyway - is something I find completely absurd and almost insulting.   http://redorwhiteandlifesotherdilemmas.blogspot.com/2011/01/2011-ch-ch-ch-changesor-probably-not.html  Nonetheless every year I make the standard resolutions to lose 10 lbs, to get healthy, to start saving money, to make better life choices in general.  Every year despite my trepidations, I think that maybe this will be the year that I achieve all the goals.  Yup, every last one of them.  But, this year, I didn’t bother - not in the traditional, stereotypical sense anyway.  This year I came up with something better than a new years resolution.  It wasn’t something I set out to think up.  In fact, it didn’t happen until today.  Until I was still somehow sweating out the remnants of 2011 at a soul cycle class.  Until I was lost in the music, in the words of the instructor, in a single final tear shed for 2011.  As I spun my legs I suddenly realized how I wanted to start 2012.  I realized the benefit of being able to start anew.  To pretend we can truly wipe the slate clean and live the life we want to live, the life we are meant to live.  And yes, I still think January 1^st is an arbitrary day to change your approach, to gain a new perspective, but I suppose I can see the appeal.  Of course, since January 1^st is really just meant for nursing hangovers and successfully discovering you didn’t drunk text any ex-whatevers or lose any credit cards, and this year January 2^nd was a federal holiday - on which no one can be expected to be worthwhile, I’ve resigned myself to starting this new attitude – if you will – on the 4^th (since going back to work tomorrow will be enough of a challenge).  So, stay tuned.  

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmakah

Remember when you were a kid - Christmas, Chanukah (Hanukah, Chanuka, Hanuka, Hannukah, etc.) or whatever holiday you and yours celebrated brought nothing but joy and excitement (I guess Kwanzaa is really the only one left this time of year, but as a kid I'm not sure I knew anyone who celebrated it. I vaguely recall the town green-if you will-including some Kwanzaa symbol alongside the Christmas tree and the menorah, but this is where I acknowledge my ignorance and admit I cannot offhand recall a symbol representative of Kwanzaa. I suppose that admission is worthy of a whole other blog post. Anyway I digress...).  Being the product of an inter-faith marriage, I had the best of both worlds.  Forget 8 crazy nights, I got 9 days of presents. (Niner is finer).  And, I suspect I still found plenty of ways to complain that my gifts while piled high, were not quite high enough.  Ohh, it’s amazing the perception that accompanies the aging process.  Aha, I HAVE gained more than gray hair and wrinkles! (I actually haven’t gained those yet, but I fear they are just looming barely below the surface, waiting to make their appearance at the most inopportune time imaginable.  For your benefit, I won’t waste time listing examples of such potential times, I’m sure you can come up with some stellar examples on your own.)  School closed for winter break and we were given 10 or more days to just enjoy our new presents, spend time with friends and family and bask in the holiday glow.   (Incidentally, it turns out most of my friends still enjoy this lifestyle.  For reasons I don’t fully understand, this benefit is not limited to just teachers.  In case we needed further evidence that I had chosen the wrong career path, the luxury seating on the 6 train every December 27^th surely drills the point home.)  Decorations lit the neighborhoods, family trips to NYC to see the Radio City Christmas Spectacular were magical (I stand by my belief that I would have been an awesome rockette, damn my stunted height) and there was simply no growing tired of Christmas songs on the radio.  And, not least of all, we were surrounded by friends and family at all times - there was certainly no lack of love at the holidays.  For these reasons, and so many others that I’m sure have been touched upon in other posts or will be addressed in future ones, I propose my life might have peaked at age 10.  While I’m not suggesting I’ve turned into some sort of Scrooge in adulthood – indeed, I rock a Santa hat with the best of the nice Jewish girls on the block – I have lost a bit of that holiday spirit. 

Have you placed your bets on why?  Well, there are lots of reasons.  And, even my friends who live semi-charmed lives can appreciate a handful of them; the rest of the reasons will likely just make them uncomfortable, since to quote a friend describing this type of person the other day, people who shit rainbows and this time of year – elves – don’t want to be bothered by your problems, your struggles, and especially your tears.  (That is, of course, a whole other story, but now that I’ve said it, take a minute and think about it.  Have you ever noticed how when you’re feeling down on life, on yourself, and there’s simply no room for the positivity train, these friends tend to just slump away or change the subject?  I don’t begrudge them for their happy, seemingly perfect existences.  In fact, I’ll own it, I totally envy them, but no matter what life throws at me, good or bad, I will always be somewhat grateful for my ability to relate, to “get it”.  I've found that empathy and compassion are truly underrated traits, having your advice valued is not something to regard lightly and being someone's shoulder to cry on is mostly a privilege, not a burden...and that's a point I meant to make the other day when having this discussion).  


But anyway, back to the topic at hand, as I’ve said time and time again, there are few things that annoy me more than tourists.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate what they do for the economy or that I don’t think they should have the chance to see the splendor that is my city, but I just wish they’d look and keep moving.  NYC is always full of tourists, but there are never as many as during the holiday season.  And while I realize they are on vacation and that’s oh so nice for them, I am not.  So, when their masses delay my arrival to work – and more importantly my arrival home from work – I am none too pleased about their presence.  I am even less pleased when they being here means I can’t take a cab....anywhere.  The entire month of December is like trying to get a cab in the rain.  It’s damn near impossible.  It makes attending holiday dinners and cocktail parties an exhausting process. (Actually, today I experienced rain-in December-in midtown, and I’m fairly certain if there is a hell, I am now well equipped to handle it.  Notably, that makes me quite happy that Jews don't believe in hell.  Best Chanukah present ever.)  An impossible commute does a remarkable job of killing the holiday spirit.  And, the subways are overcrowded too, with people carrying maps they can’t read and asking you if the train goes to a stop they are not pronouncing even close to correctly, a pronunciation so butchered that you’re not even confident you’re giving them the right answer (which only occurs after they don’t buy your ‘point to the headphones and shrug your shoulders while shaking your head' move).  To me the worst thing about tourists on the subway is the way they clog the platform.  No, I don’t mean as a result of their sheer numbers, I mean they walk down the stairs and they just stop.  All of them.  Like a massive force field, blocking your ability to walk to the other side of the platform, where you belong.  Some don’t even make it all the way down the stairs because it appears there is nowhere to go, but there is!  There’s like 50 feet in each direction of emptiness. Gah! Nothing like missing a train (which of course has plenty of room just 20 feet away) to make you curse the holiday season. 

Even those who are not 'without' this holiday season are likely without someone that used to be a fixture in their holiday festivities.  Traditions become tainted by the changes and it is hard not to find yourself reminiscing, remembering the way things were (often with rose colored glasses in the case of past relationships, but nonetheless, the memories resurface) and wishing, in part, that things were still that way.  For those who have lost someone in the more permanent, the more tragic, sense of the word, well they can hardly be expected to smile as brightly.  I am truly fortunate to not be able to fully understand that level of loss.  I’m not suggesting you can’t enjoy the holidays, but it’s hard to deny that there is something missing.   It's often noted that there is no lonelier time to be single than at the holidays (except perhaps when you're the token single person at a wedding.  That’s an amazing experience.  It doesn't make you want to hurl yourself from a tall building at all).  There's something about tis the season that really magnifies just how alone you are and while I'm fairly certain I didn't spend the holidays as a child questioning my self worth, in adulthood to have no one to kiss under the mistletoe is a remarkably depressing reminder of your status.  The older you get, the more you start to think you should be turning down invites to avoid being the lonely single girl at the table who offers to take the group picture since an odd number would ruin the holiday portrait of perfection.  To clarify, I'm not suggesting all your friends are thinking this when you show up at events (some of them are, but most are not), but you are and self conscious in a Santa hat isn't a good look for anyone.  

As I grew up I quickly learned it is way better to receive than to give.  And, that is not to say I’m greedy.  Sure, I like opening presents, but I certainly don’t need anyone spending money on me so I can show it off.  But what I mean is; receiving is easy.  You just rip off the wrapping paper and viola, the hard part is over!  Giving means picking out perfect presents that you think someone else will like and that shit is stressful.  I cannot even fathom how my parents managed to find so many gifts for me growing up – although, it is definitely a lot easier to buy for children, so I suppose there’s that.  When you don’t have all day to just shop for gifts, as most of us don’t – despite my best efforts I am still not a lady who lunches – you have to somehow find the time to fit shopping into your busy schedule.  And, the time you can fit it in is generally the same time that everyone on the entire island of Manhattan can fit it in.  Surviving a trip to Bloomingdales on December 22nd is a feat worthy of a medal.  Then, after all the effort of going to the store, getting the coveted item, and wrapping it oh-so-pretty, it's so dejecting to sheepishly tuck a gift receipt under the bow, because chances are you screwed it up somehow.  Plus, oh yeah, there's the fact that all these gifts cost money.  While I am happy to spend money on those I love, I do a horrific job budgeting for the holidays each year and with each swipe of the credit card, I'm subtracting an item or an activity I had planned for the month.  Each year I promise to put money aside for December and each year I fail.   Even receiving is not as fun as it used to be.  As we grow up, we start getting more practical items.  A wallet, a gift card to a grocery store, a pair of sneakers, a coat.  All necessary items that we love and appreciate, but they are simply not as enjoyable as getting a game and then playing it with friends and family.  And, the reality is when my family asks what I want for Chanukah each year, I ask for my loans to be paid off, for a new job, for calorie free wine, or to lose 10 lbs.  All I want for Christmas is a time machine.  When what you're hoping for this holiday season is not really something someone can buy, it's hard to not be disappointed.   

And what about the lovely concept of tipping and other obligatory end-of-year gifts?  As if gift giving wasn’t enough of a drain on your bank account, as you grow up, you learn there is a whole host of other players that are part of this insane gift giving game.  At work, there's the mandatory gift for your assistant, which would be totally fine if anyone clued you in on what the right amount to give was, because you learned your first year in the real world that by "gift" people really mean money.  And then you have to tip all service providers you use in the month of December- hair stylist, nail salon, dry cleaners, cleaning lady.  Hell, even my cart coffee guy got $10 for a $1 coffee last week. So have you been doing the math?  Add the 2 and carry the 1 equals half your paycheck and we haven't even discussed rental buildings. The first year I lived in a doorman building I almost had a heart attack at Christmas. Not just because of the expense, but also because - again - no one really tells you what the right amount to give is.  I mean honestly, just give me a number and I'll hand it over happily.  Instead, I spend precious hours hoping I didn't give less than the apt down the hall and if I did then praying nothing in my apt requires repair for a while. You ultimately have to withdraw another $400-500 from your dwindling funds to tip your super, the doormen, the handymen, the porters, etc. I'll tell you what, the only time I somewhat appreciated my single status this holiday season was when I acknowledged that at least I don't have to drop another god knows how much money on 'that guy'.  Although then again, if I didn’t live alone I would have someone to split all these tips with, so never mind I take that concession back.  Oh and then just getting these tips to people is a somewhat awkward and stressful process.  I'm generally not a socially inept person, but all the obligatory holiday rituals really challenge that statement.

Of course, working during the holiday season is also downright depressing.  I don't mean showing up at the office in a red sweater and enjoying all the homemade goodies hanging around.  I mean really working.  Forget about the fact that I don't have 10 days off, some years I'm lucky to even be permitted to go home for the holiday. One day of it.  Having to show up at work and bust your ass while so many people have the days off, or are showing up to work just for appearance sake but know the end of the year means sitting on the internet, is absurdly painful.  There are few things that make you question your life choices as much as missing a friend's holiday party because you are stuck at the office reviewing documents you don't understand and crying.  Everyone's merriment while you're feeling somewhat defeated just magnifies the negative feelings.  Corporate America is the new Grinch who stole Christmas. 


And finally, as we become adults we start taking on the other holiday responsibilities.  Decorating, cleaning, cooking, baking, hosting parties (I mean I don't really do any of those things because I work too much and live in a studio.  Also, my cooking skills leave much to be desired, but enough about that.), simply put - the holidays are exhausting.  When you're working full-time, straining financially to afford gifts for loved ones and then going home to further get ready for the holidays, it's actually a wonder more people are not crazy and grumpy this time of year.  Well done America, you play your part well.  

So, while I'm definitely not advocating a bah humbug approach to the holiday season, I am saying that at times I can sympathize with those individuals who fight the urge to punch carolers in the face.  And, mostly I'm reminiscing about the good old days, before the holidays carried such heavy responsibilities, before holiday parties became another awkward single status event (except times, like, 10), back when your biggest stress was whether you would get all the toys and games you asked for, hell let's call it what it is - back when you believed in Santa...rather than dressing up like Santa to gallivant around the city escaping reality and drinking all day.

You can take your "life's little lessons" and shove them up your....what?!

This post is dedicated to VH :)

A friend sent me an email entitled 30 things to stop doing to yourself.  It was a thoughtful, rational list of things many of us are guilty of and to follow the advice of the list would probably lead to great happiness, or at least self acceptance and perhaps a little perspective.  It's the sort of list that everyone should read and it would probably do me some good to take heed of at least some of the advice provided (but I won't).  And, so I'm including it here for you.  Of course my immediate reaction to the crystal clear direction at the top of the e-mail (stop doing these things) was a fairly defiant no.  It's been a stressful few weeks and so naturally, all but took offense to the suggestions.  I recognize I'm a bit of a cynist (Who, me?) and find words that resemble rainbows and butterflies to be aggravating at best - on a good day...Probably because if it were that easy...(trail off).  But have you noticed how when you're in a bad mood, a person's best (nice) intentions can almost feel like an attack and your reaction is irrrational and aggressive and almost nonsensical.  And, so let me give you a play by play of my reaction as you read this well-intentioned list.  Perhaps, you are less cynical than me or have been filled with holiday cheer and will appreciate the list for what it is.  I truly hope you are.  But, if you are not, I hope you can find a little humor or will give an 'amen sister' here and there while reading my running commentary instead.

And yes, I'll say what you're thinking.  This is a somewhat lame attempt at a blog post, but it's been a rough month at the office and now the holidays are about to knock me over - so take what you can get or stop reading, no one is forcing you to be here.

Here ya go --

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  (Oh can we Maria Robinson?  Who the hell are you Maria Robinson?  I've got some endings in mind that I'm pretty sure are unattainable.  Are you my mother?  Not like the children's book, but like my real mother - feeding me lines about how I could be anything I wanted to be when I grow up.  Hey Mom - I want to be trophy wife (how do you like me now?), turns out the ship has sailed on that one, so now what Maria Robinson, now what? )  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.  (Oh shut up)
Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.   (What's that expression, don't waste your time thinking about someone who isn't thinking about you.  I recall people scrawling that on their aim profiles back in the day.  Is that empowering?  Like, okay.  Sure.  Let me just go ahead and turn that switch off...aaaaand....viola, no more thinking about Mr. tall dark and handsome or the fateful ex or whatever.  I recognize this advice is actually slightly more reasonable.  You can control who you spend time with.  Sometimes.  Sometimes you can't.  Unless every social occasion is a one on one, there's a good chance there will be people there you have little control over seeing.  And beyond faking blindness (which I'd argue might not be the worst idea in some instances) you won't be able to ignore the fact that there they are and thus there you are spending time with them.  I guess this one is more like 'don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option' or something.  That was another regular  aim profile offender in college.  usually in some pink italic font with hearts.  I could actually go on about this one for awhile, but I'll pause now and continue.)
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become. (Fine, don't run from them.  Walk away slowly.  I'm not necessarily against avoidance, unless there's actually a solution to your problem.  Otherwise, a list of unsolvable problems seems like it could lead to the opposite of happiness, but what the hell do I know.  I mean, honestly I don't hate the sentiment, but I need some examples here.  What kind of problems are we talking about?  If your problem is a potential fist fight, you should most certainly run away from that.  Although in hindsight, I kind of wish I had gotten in a fist fight in my life, just to know if I could actually back up any of the nonsense I say.)
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled <http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0743243153/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=marandang-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0743243153> . (Whatever list, I'm pretty damn comfortable lying to myself so I think you're wrong when you say I can't do it.  It's done.  Also, I don't need a reading recc, this list is a bazillion pages long as is.  Slow your roll.)
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now. (Hell yeah I'm special, if nothing else, American parents instilled that lie in everyone as children.  Also, I can certainly think of more painful things than losing myself in the process of loving someone too much.  Challenge accepted.)
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.  (Well, now you're just throwing insults around.  There are prettier and smarter people than me?  Screw you list.  And also I feel confident that your blanket statement will not apply to everyone.  There are people out there, whose real selves are total dbags.  I won't name names, but I think changing for people to like you isn't always a bad thing.)
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one. (So wait, you're saying don't stalk people on facebook?  Don't shed tears on old pictures? Don't sit on the floor of my apartment drinking wine from the bottle and pouring a little out for the homies, of what was, of what could have been? Don't play out conversations with different endings in my head?  Well shoot list, I wouldn't even know what to do with the free time that resulted from that change.  I mean COME ON list - duh.  I'll let you have this one, but, only because it's completely obvious.  Of course you should stop holding on to the past, everybody knows that.  Minus 200 points for lack of creativity, list.  I'll also allow it because I really like that Sex and the City quote - surprise ANOTHER SATC quote - about the past being like an anchor holding us back.  And I tend not to miss an opportunity to quote that show.  I hear you Carrie Bradshaw, I hear you (not this list, I am not buying what you're selling so far list.)
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.  (Well 2 points for that last statement list, color me your poster child for that war cry.  But, as far as stop being scared to make a mistake - hell no.  By all means, life requires risk, I get that.  But in life there are some mistakes that you don't have the luxury of doing wrong 10 times (seriously, do you have a job list-writer?).  So, thanks but no thanks list, I will continue to be terrified of making mistakes.  Maybe if I had become that trophy wife I could stop being scared to make mistakes, but until then...)
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come. (Didn't we just talk about mistakes, so really there's 29 things on this list.  Lame.)
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions. (Ohhhh wait, I already wrote this blog post.  check it (whaaat - http://redorwhiteandlifesotherdilemmas.blogspot.com/2011/09/just-sit-there-and-look-pretty-case.html) and sorry list, but it turns out those "free" things you mention are not that easy to come by, so in the meantime I'm going to take a break from this reactionary piece and go buy things. )
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness <http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1400077427/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=marandang-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1400077427> . (no no no no no, I said no more book reccomendations.  blah blah blah love yourself first or no one will love you.  Well I'll tell you what list, I think I'm pretty damn awesome and that outlook isn't getting me very far either.  So, I'm calling your bluff.)
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.  (Idle hands are the devil's tools? what? I mean, I guess 2 points for a sports analogy, a weak one but I'll give  you the points anyway.)
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first. (Let's make a deal list - you give me one of these so-called opportunities, and I'll show you how ready I am.)
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.  (Oh sorry, I just rolled my eyes so hard I fell off my chair.)
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.  (I don't even know what this means.  Seriously, I don't get it.  Perhaps you were right earlier, list, there ARE people smarter than me.  Is this like the everyone is a chapter in the story of my life?  I mean I guess that's true, I don't see what that has to do with rejecting new relationships though.  God, I feel stupid.)
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only. (Oh okay, let's start small - tomorrow I'm going to try to make until 10am before I'm banging my head against my desk at the office - that will be 5 minutes earlier than today's record.   Or maybe I'll try to make it til Tuesday without having a drink next week.  Well, wait, now I'm just setting myself up for failure.)
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?” (well that was a depressing exercise, what's something I have that everyone wants? ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, nothing? well played list, well played. How many real-life people can actually think of something that EVERYONE wants.  If those people exist, I'm now painfully jealous of them.  Yeah, see that didn't work at all list.  Complete backfire.)
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be. (So smile?  I mean let's start small with the demand to stop complaining and feeling sorry for myself (I probably can't even do that), but don't you dare ask me to smile about it.  Plus, I'm really, really, ridiculously good at complaining and feeling sorry for myself - and I feel like somewhere in this list there's probably something about cultivating your strengths or at least there should be, so, you know, just sayin.)
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.  (omm)
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs. (But then how the hell would anyone get married?  http://redorwhiteandlifesotherdilemmas.blogspot.com/2011/05/how-low-will-you-go-have-standards.html)
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.  (I would have stayed with you if after the bold you had said: because people are stupid.  Stop explaining yourself to others, because people are stupid - now, that's some logic I can get behind.)
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly. (Shouldn't this be more like stop doing the same things over and over again, period.  What does a break have to do with it?  Step out of the hamster wheel for a moment, but then get right back in? Oh you mean like  stepping away from a draft or a project to gain perspective and fresh eyes? Hmm, perhaps, but I'm not sure that's exactly what you said list.  Maybe take a break and edit your work before you send it around as an obnoxiously long chain e-mail.)
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you. (Well now I do agree with this advice, but, like, here's the thing.  Now I just feel sad about all the moments I've already missed, the moments I already look back on and miss, and (because I'm a realist) all the moments I will probably continue to miss...so shoot, now I'm feeling sorry for myself again and am disobeying #17 already.  Geez, I'm failing at your commandments before I even get through the first read.)
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done <http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0142000280/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=marandang-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0142000280> . (Wait what?  That was a terrible segway.  Surprise option (c) - the real world rewards people who get things done 'perfectly', or you know at least correctly.  Getting things done isn't all that helpful if you're just doing it for the sake of gettin' 'er done.  Clearly this was a cheap attempt at plugging another book.  Stop selling me your goddamn books - who do you work for?!)
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.  (I mean how are we defining worthwhile?  John Cusack was waiting for that dare to be great situation in "Say Anything",  I'm pretty sure he ended up following his high school obsession across the pond instead.  I would really like my life to be an 80's movie so perhaps that's the sort of extraordinary I should be striving for, I don't know.)
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.  (I'd dare to argue that shedding tears is not necessarily followed by smiling.  Sure, sometimes you just need to get it out, but other times, you'll find if you start crying you'll find yourself crying more and more everyday.  I'd venture to guess that walking around like a train wreck is not going to solve your problems.  In fact, it may lead to more (what now, list?).  I'm sure your boss won't appreciate it.  Your friends grow tired of the same old sob story.  You're going to look like a hot mess with blotchy red cheeks and bloodshot eyes, which isn't likely to result in new fans.  I'm more a supporter of the fake it til you make it approach (and then if you don't make it, at least you'll look damn good trying).  Cry on your own time, but YES pretend to be strong and be concerned with what other people are thinking, we live in a civilized nation, let's not hammer at the foundation of social society.  Please and thanks.)
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life. (Oh wait.  Agreed.  Weird.  I'm all for accountability.  Nobody cares whose (who's? crap) fault you think it is.  Deal with it and get over it.  Or don't get over it, but don't blame anyone else for your innane decision to go to law school, for your drinking problem, for mistakes at work, for every stupid or mean thing you've said and are forced to recount in vivid recollection, for every friend you've fought with, for every guy you let get away.  Own it and then cry about it in private - in stark contradiction to #25 - or on a subway - http://redorwhiteandlifesotherdilemmas.blogspot.com/2011/11/new-york-isms_13.html)
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.   (Oh so like be something for someone?  I can appreciate the middle ground on this one, and won't snarkily suggest being nothing for no one would be a better approach.  Mostly because that's a double negative and so now we're right back at the "Don't"  command, aren't we?  I'm not sure, my head is starting to hurt.)
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about. (My mother has this magnet on her fridge that says unless its fatal it is no big deal, I've tried to make that my mantra with worrying.  I've failed miserably at it.  As has my mother.)
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right. (If I woke up everyday thinking something wonderful would happen, I'd probably throw myself off a bridge as result of all the let-down.  Something wonderful is not going to happen most days.  In fact, if I get through a day without something terrible happening, I consider it a massive success.  Seems like setting the bar a little lower might be a better plan.  But, alright, I can get on board the idea of visualizing what you want.  In fact, I already have.  I made a pretty sweet vision board.  I don't remember what's on it but i can guarantee nothing has come true yet.  I'd go home and check it and report back to you but I have a feeling my cleaning lady threw it out because she was actually embarassed for me.  I mean a vision board is like "The Secret" on crack).
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing. (I actually had to seek pseudo therapy for this one, because I'm totally ungrateful (we all are - its human nature, let's be honest), but then I'll catch myself being ungrateful and feel so guilty about it.  (My grandmother did a remarkable job of instilling the jewish guilt in me.) And I think about people who don't have their health, who have lost loved ones, who have lost jobs, who have lost homes and I think how dare you sit around feeling sorry for yourself when you have so many things to be thankful for, blah blah blah.  I mean, that is what you're saying, isn't it, list?  So then I'll beat myself up over feeling ungrateful in the first place.  So listen up list, I've been told, by a trained professional, it is okay to grieve for the things you do not have even if you recognize you have a lot.  While perspective is certainly important, you are entitled to your emotions even if they seem selfish or petty compared to what other people are going through.  So don't you dare take that away from me.  That shit got deep, and I apologize for it, but seriously, these lists piss me off.)

And, I'm out.  At the very least, I'm pretty sure this lunatic's rant will dissaude anyone from sending me a mass forward for at least a few weeks.

New York-isms

Every resident of NYC, after living in the city for a few years, reaches a moment when they finally feel like they are indeed a true New Yorker.  Whether it is an outer body experience as your view yourself reacting to a particular thing, place or person or if it takes a trip to your hometown or another city altogether where you realize you have about as much patience as Donald Duck (wait what...yeah I don't know, I googled notoriously impatient things and he came up quite a few times, so take that to your next trivia game) and you can't fathom how people can possibly walk as slow as they seem to be walking, you realize there's officially no going back to your former self and no matter where you go in life, there will always be a little New Yorker in you.   Different people have different views on what it means to be a true New Yorker and its a concept that was done fairly well last season in How I Met Your Mother (which was refreshing as despite my steadfast loyalty to my weekly viewings of How I Met Your Mother, I spent most of Season 5 trying to decide if it had officially jumped the shark).  According to Ted, Barney, Marshall and Lily, to be a true New Yorker you must have stolen a cab from somebody else, you must have cried on a Subway and you must have killed a cockroach with your bare hands.  Well two out of three ain't bad folks and so help me if I ever kill a cockroach with my bare hands.  So far I have thrown hardcover books at them (fail), stepped on them (I just got chills recalling the sound of that crunch. gag.) and obliterated them by overspraying a raid can while yelling dieeeeeeeee at the top of my lungs and then nearly asphyxiating on the fumes because it turns out you don't need to use a full can of raid on one insect, especially when you live in a 300 sq. ft. room.  But, I think there are many other moments when you know you're a true New Yorker.  In fact, topping the list is when you consider your relationship with New York to be just that.  Carrie Bradshaw considered New York her true love on Sex and the City.  My relationship with New York is a little bit more of a love/hate thing.  There are days when I am in the midst of a true love affair, dancing through the streets and counting my blessings for the ability to live in the best city in the world.  Know that.  Then, there are days when paying exorbitant prices to live in a 500sq foot studio, alone courtesy of the 6-1 male-to-female ratio, and returning home at the end of a workday which is generally hours later than the rest of the country, really gets the better of me and I am no longer impressed with the glamour and the culture and the pulse, the amazing pulse, of this city.   Sometimes its hard to live somewhere where you're literally surrounded by models and you are shocked when you travel to other places and learn you are not, in fact, an obese troll.  In some ways New York is like an abusive boyfriend.  There are days when it is deliriously wonderful, when it makes you really feel alive, when you would defend it to your death and you can't imagine loving anything more, and then there are days when it beats you up and breaks you down to the point where, well, you have no choice but to cry on the subway (which is where we'll start the list).

So as I put together a farewell bar crawl for a friend leaving this great city, I started thinking about a random assortment of times/things/trials/tribulations (or hell let's call them accomplishments because New Yorkers are nothing if not snobby) that could qualify as reaching 'New Yorker' status or depending on where you fall on the love/hate scale with New York on a particular day we can refer to them as moments when you realize you've been in New York too long.  While New Yorkers are nothing if not snobby, I'm nothing if not completely absurd so don't be concerned when this list is missing some obvious indicators and instead includes statements that make you question our friendship.  Or, if we're not friends, make you thankful for that.

You might be a New Yorker if...

1. Let's start with one referenced in How I Met Your Mother.  You've cried on the subway....more than once.  And, when relaying your latest sob show to a fellow New Yorker you say something like "you know when you cry on the subway and" and they nod because anyone who's anyone has cried on the subway.  Here's the thing about crying on the subway.  It is both good and bad.  Both refreshing and terrifying.  While most people will sometimes allow themselves a good cry-fest in the car or break down for a few minutes at the end of a bad day in solitude, in New York we don't have cars and we don’t have the luxury of crying in private sometimes.  And, so, the ability to cry privately in public is sort of a gem.  It's also sort of horrific, that no one even bothers to notice you not even bothering to wipe the tears away, but hell you're no one special and they probably shed their own tears yesterday.
2. You've had a physical altercation with a cab that almost hit you.  I mean listen I ain't nobody's fool if someone tries to hit me I’m going to hit them back...snap snap snap...right on their shiny yellow hood. Let’s not focus on the fact that it was probably your fault because - subtopic, You also play frogger while crossing the street and get angry at cars that beep at you when they have the right of way - and, of course, you wait to cross the street on the street not the sidewalk (every second counts when you're always in a hurry) and then you get annoyed when a car driving on the road they have every right to be driving on almost hits you- and somehow because we're an angry demographic instead of reacting in fear when a giant yellow vehicle interrupts whatever song we're bopping along to on our ipod by screeching to a halt mere inches from our bodies, we scream obscenities at the cabdriver (who can't hear us because he’s inside the car) and then punish inanimate objects (that'll show you!)  You also think its hilarious when tourists try to follow you across the street when you are crossing without the right of way and then you hear the screech of the car and the curse of the driver behind you when those idiots didn't walk fast enough. 
3. Oh hey, sticking with the cab theme, because there are just so many cab related moments:  (i) You've had countless near death experiences in a cab that would leave any normal human being terrified, but instead you were too busy playing on your smartphone to notice at all OR you actually thank the taxi driver for getting you to your destination in such a timely manner, and, of course, (ii) The taxi TV is the worst thing since Haiti and the ability to pay with a credit card is worth more than your college education.
4. You can successfully navigate the underground wonderland of shops below the Rock Center subway station.  About a year ago my friend finally took me through the winding underground world from 47th street to 50th street, from 6th avenue to 5th avenue, and I was astounded at how many shops, restaurants and the like were bustling down there.  It was like being introduced to a whole new world just blocks from my office.  A few weeks later I tried to go back and find the salad shop we had ventured to together, but wound up getting so turned around I ended up back on the mean streets of midtown and gave up.  Now I use the underground as a shortcut and a way to stay dry when it’s raining.  Look how far I've come!
5. You know the exact street borders for various neighborhoods and know where each neighborhoods ranks.  Your search for an apartment is described to a broker in terms of such cut-offs.  "What part of nothing above 24th street did you not understand?"  And, you have a favorite restaurant, bar, store and fro-yo shop in pretty much every neighborhood worth frequenting.  (You also immediately have to discover a favorite restaurant in every ethnic genre upon moving to a new neighborhood).  You recognize that moving on up in New York is really moving on down, since everyone starts out in the upper east side and affordable real estate below 14th street is worth skipping work meetings to lock down.  
6. Your parents are actually concerned about your life skills.  You don't have to do your own laundry - someone else does that, folds it and delivers it to your apartment.  You don't have to clean your apartment - you have a cleaning lady with a key to your apartment that magically transforms your space while you are out.  You don't have to cook - you have more restaurants that deliver in a 3-block radius than most towns have in total.  You don't have to have any supplies of any sort on hand - there's a duane reade within a block of your apartment that is open 24 hours.  And, you don't have to know how to get anywhere - because you can just jump in a cab and give a destination (without lifting your head from your iphone, of course). 
7. You have a therapist.  And then you also have about a dozen pseudo therapists that you force to listen to your so-called problems.  Because lets face it, New Yorkers are a neurotic bunch of individuals.  So, you talk to your hair stylist, your waxer, your taxi cab driver (honestly the things people admit in front of a taxi driver are almost reason enough to try that profession out for a day), your doorman, the ladies at the nail salon, the cashier at 7-11, your personal trainer, your bartender and of course your friends - who are just patiently waiting their turn to unleash all sorts of crazy.
8. Absolutely everything annoys you.   You get annoyed waiting 5 minutes for a subway to arrive, which is why you will literally barrel through people down the subway stairs in an attempt to catch the train currently there and shoot daggers of death with your eyes at all the people who got in your way.  You know where to wait to get on the exact same subway car every morning because it lets you out in the best place, or will be the least crowded option or is the easiest to transfer from.  You have your morning subway routine down to an art form.  Being delayed for "train traffic" or worse, "a sick passenger" makes you violently angry, you check your watch every 22 seconds and react with exasperated sighs each minute that passes while you are still waiting to move - despite the fact that generally you aren't late.  Not being late is irrelevant since you are always in a rush.  Even when you have nowhere to be, you're in a rush.  Even if you might get somewhere early, you're in a rush and you make no secret, to anyone, about how busy and important you think you are.  
9. You own at least one pair of uggs and one pair of hunters and you're never quite sure which one to wear in the winter.  You have at least 5 umbrellas and keep 2 at the office but you never have one with you when it spontaneously downpours on your walk home.  You have Zagat guides from the last five years and have never opened them.  You have a subscription to Time Out and NY Mag, but find you mostly read them online.  You think the NY Times is the best newspaper on the planet but sadly can't remember the last time you bought it since the am and the metro are free and being shoved in your face as you buy your morning coffee from your cart guy.
10. You can't remember how to drive.  And, you're sort of dismayed that the DMV allowed you to just renew your license.
11. You've used the phrase (or expressed a similar sentiment without sounding quite as douchey) 'Brooklyn has become gentrified' as if you're in the know.  Generally you have little basis for comparison either, unless you count the hip hop culture, Spike Lee joints and pictures you've seen from decades past.  It's more a statement you make when people are considering moving to various parts of Brooklyn that are more stroller than gangster and they express a hesitation, so naturally with a roll of the eyes you mock their fear with the fact that Brooklyn has become gentrified (and who doesn't know that at this point).  Park Slope does not go hard Mos Def.
12. And of course, you refer to New York simply as The City.  Because it is The City.  And you actually laugh at other people's attempts to call their city, the city, even when you're in their city and it makes sense but you refuse to concede to that logic because, I mean, come on, you can't hand over the title to just anywhere.