You can take your "life's little lessons" and shove them up your....what?!

This post is dedicated to VH :)

A friend sent me an email entitled 30 things to stop doing to yourself.  It was a thoughtful, rational list of things many of us are guilty of and to follow the advice of the list would probably lead to great happiness, or at least self acceptance and perhaps a little perspective.  It's the sort of list that everyone should read and it would probably do me some good to take heed of at least some of the advice provided (but I won't).  And, so I'm including it here for you.  Of course my immediate reaction to the crystal clear direction at the top of the e-mail (stop doing these things) was a fairly defiant no.  It's been a stressful few weeks and so naturally, all but took offense to the suggestions.  I recognize I'm a bit of a cynist (Who, me?) and find words that resemble rainbows and butterflies to be aggravating at best - on a good day...Probably because if it were that easy...(trail off).  But have you noticed how when you're in a bad mood, a person's best (nice) intentions can almost feel like an attack and your reaction is irrrational and aggressive and almost nonsensical.  And, so let me give you a play by play of my reaction as you read this well-intentioned list.  Perhaps, you are less cynical than me or have been filled with holiday cheer and will appreciate the list for what it is.  I truly hope you are.  But, if you are not, I hope you can find a little humor or will give an 'amen sister' here and there while reading my running commentary instead.

And yes, I'll say what you're thinking.  This is a somewhat lame attempt at a blog post, but it's been a rough month at the office and now the holidays are about to knock me over - so take what you can get or stop reading, no one is forcing you to be here.

Here ya go --

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  (Oh can we Maria Robinson?  Who the hell are you Maria Robinson?  I've got some endings in mind that I'm pretty sure are unattainable.  Are you my mother?  Not like the children's book, but like my real mother - feeding me lines about how I could be anything I wanted to be when I grow up.  Hey Mom - I want to be trophy wife (how do you like me now?), turns out the ship has sailed on that one, so now what Maria Robinson, now what? )  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.  (Oh shut up)
Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.   (What's that expression, don't waste your time thinking about someone who isn't thinking about you.  I recall people scrawling that on their aim profiles back in the day.  Is that empowering?  Like, okay.  Sure.  Let me just go ahead and turn that switch off...aaaaand....viola, no more thinking about Mr. tall dark and handsome or the fateful ex or whatever.  I recognize this advice is actually slightly more reasonable.  You can control who you spend time with.  Sometimes.  Sometimes you can't.  Unless every social occasion is a one on one, there's a good chance there will be people there you have little control over seeing.  And beyond faking blindness (which I'd argue might not be the worst idea in some instances) you won't be able to ignore the fact that there they are and thus there you are spending time with them.  I guess this one is more like 'don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option' or something.  That was another regular  aim profile offender in college.  usually in some pink italic font with hearts.  I could actually go on about this one for awhile, but I'll pause now and continue.)
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become. (Fine, don't run from them.  Walk away slowly.  I'm not necessarily against avoidance, unless there's actually a solution to your problem.  Otherwise, a list of unsolvable problems seems like it could lead to the opposite of happiness, but what the hell do I know.  I mean, honestly I don't hate the sentiment, but I need some examples here.  What kind of problems are we talking about?  If your problem is a potential fist fight, you should most certainly run away from that.  Although in hindsight, I kind of wish I had gotten in a fist fight in my life, just to know if I could actually back up any of the nonsense I say.)
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled <http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0743243153/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=marandang-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0743243153> . (Whatever list, I'm pretty damn comfortable lying to myself so I think you're wrong when you say I can't do it.  It's done.  Also, I don't need a reading recc, this list is a bazillion pages long as is.  Slow your roll.)
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now. (Hell yeah I'm special, if nothing else, American parents instilled that lie in everyone as children.  Also, I can certainly think of more painful things than losing myself in the process of loving someone too much.  Challenge accepted.)
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.  (Well, now you're just throwing insults around.  There are prettier and smarter people than me?  Screw you list.  And also I feel confident that your blanket statement will not apply to everyone.  There are people out there, whose real selves are total dbags.  I won't name names, but I think changing for people to like you isn't always a bad thing.)
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one. (So wait, you're saying don't stalk people on facebook?  Don't shed tears on old pictures? Don't sit on the floor of my apartment drinking wine from the bottle and pouring a little out for the homies, of what was, of what could have been? Don't play out conversations with different endings in my head?  Well shoot list, I wouldn't even know what to do with the free time that resulted from that change.  I mean COME ON list - duh.  I'll let you have this one, but, only because it's completely obvious.  Of course you should stop holding on to the past, everybody knows that.  Minus 200 points for lack of creativity, list.  I'll also allow it because I really like that Sex and the City quote - surprise ANOTHER SATC quote - about the past being like an anchor holding us back.  And I tend not to miss an opportunity to quote that show.  I hear you Carrie Bradshaw, I hear you (not this list, I am not buying what you're selling so far list.)
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.  (Well 2 points for that last statement list, color me your poster child for that war cry.  But, as far as stop being scared to make a mistake - hell no.  By all means, life requires risk, I get that.  But in life there are some mistakes that you don't have the luxury of doing wrong 10 times (seriously, do you have a job list-writer?).  So, thanks but no thanks list, I will continue to be terrified of making mistakes.  Maybe if I had become that trophy wife I could stop being scared to make mistakes, but until then...)
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come. (Didn't we just talk about mistakes, so really there's 29 things on this list.  Lame.)
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions. (Ohhhh wait, I already wrote this blog post.  check it (whaaat - http://redorwhiteandlifesotherdilemmas.blogspot.com/2011/09/just-sit-there-and-look-pretty-case.html) and sorry list, but it turns out those "free" things you mention are not that easy to come by, so in the meantime I'm going to take a break from this reactionary piece and go buy things. )
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness <http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1400077427/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=marandang-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1400077427> . (no no no no no, I said no more book reccomendations.  blah blah blah love yourself first or no one will love you.  Well I'll tell you what list, I think I'm pretty damn awesome and that outlook isn't getting me very far either.  So, I'm calling your bluff.)
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.  (Idle hands are the devil's tools? what? I mean, I guess 2 points for a sports analogy, a weak one but I'll give  you the points anyway.)
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first. (Let's make a deal list - you give me one of these so-called opportunities, and I'll show you how ready I am.)
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.  (Oh sorry, I just rolled my eyes so hard I fell off my chair.)
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.  (I don't even know what this means.  Seriously, I don't get it.  Perhaps you were right earlier, list, there ARE people smarter than me.  Is this like the everyone is a chapter in the story of my life?  I mean I guess that's true, I don't see what that has to do with rejecting new relationships though.  God, I feel stupid.)
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only. (Oh okay, let's start small - tomorrow I'm going to try to make until 10am before I'm banging my head against my desk at the office - that will be 5 minutes earlier than today's record.   Or maybe I'll try to make it til Tuesday without having a drink next week.  Well, wait, now I'm just setting myself up for failure.)
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?” (well that was a depressing exercise, what's something I have that everyone wants? ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, nothing? well played list, well played. How many real-life people can actually think of something that EVERYONE wants.  If those people exist, I'm now painfully jealous of them.  Yeah, see that didn't work at all list.  Complete backfire.)
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be. (So smile?  I mean let's start small with the demand to stop complaining and feeling sorry for myself (I probably can't even do that), but don't you dare ask me to smile about it.  Plus, I'm really, really, ridiculously good at complaining and feeling sorry for myself - and I feel like somewhere in this list there's probably something about cultivating your strengths or at least there should be, so, you know, just sayin.)
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.  (omm)
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs. (But then how the hell would anyone get married?  http://redorwhiteandlifesotherdilemmas.blogspot.com/2011/05/how-low-will-you-go-have-standards.html)
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.  (I would have stayed with you if after the bold you had said: because people are stupid.  Stop explaining yourself to others, because people are stupid - now, that's some logic I can get behind.)
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly. (Shouldn't this be more like stop doing the same things over and over again, period.  What does a break have to do with it?  Step out of the hamster wheel for a moment, but then get right back in? Oh you mean like  stepping away from a draft or a project to gain perspective and fresh eyes? Hmm, perhaps, but I'm not sure that's exactly what you said list.  Maybe take a break and edit your work before you send it around as an obnoxiously long chain e-mail.)
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you. (Well now I do agree with this advice, but, like, here's the thing.  Now I just feel sad about all the moments I've already missed, the moments I already look back on and miss, and (because I'm a realist) all the moments I will probably continue to miss...so shoot, now I'm feeling sorry for myself again and am disobeying #17 already.  Geez, I'm failing at your commandments before I even get through the first read.)
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done <http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0142000280/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=marandang-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0142000280> . (Wait what?  That was a terrible segway.  Surprise option (c) - the real world rewards people who get things done 'perfectly', or you know at least correctly.  Getting things done isn't all that helpful if you're just doing it for the sake of gettin' 'er done.  Clearly this was a cheap attempt at plugging another book.  Stop selling me your goddamn books - who do you work for?!)
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.  (I mean how are we defining worthwhile?  John Cusack was waiting for that dare to be great situation in "Say Anything",  I'm pretty sure he ended up following his high school obsession across the pond instead.  I would really like my life to be an 80's movie so perhaps that's the sort of extraordinary I should be striving for, I don't know.)
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.  (I'd dare to argue that shedding tears is not necessarily followed by smiling.  Sure, sometimes you just need to get it out, but other times, you'll find if you start crying you'll find yourself crying more and more everyday.  I'd venture to guess that walking around like a train wreck is not going to solve your problems.  In fact, it may lead to more (what now, list?).  I'm sure your boss won't appreciate it.  Your friends grow tired of the same old sob story.  You're going to look like a hot mess with blotchy red cheeks and bloodshot eyes, which isn't likely to result in new fans.  I'm more a supporter of the fake it til you make it approach (and then if you don't make it, at least you'll look damn good trying).  Cry on your own time, but YES pretend to be strong and be concerned with what other people are thinking, we live in a civilized nation, let's not hammer at the foundation of social society.  Please and thanks.)
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life. (Oh wait.  Agreed.  Weird.  I'm all for accountability.  Nobody cares whose (who's? crap) fault you think it is.  Deal with it and get over it.  Or don't get over it, but don't blame anyone else for your innane decision to go to law school, for your drinking problem, for mistakes at work, for every stupid or mean thing you've said and are forced to recount in vivid recollection, for every friend you've fought with, for every guy you let get away.  Own it and then cry about it in private - in stark contradiction to #25 - or on a subway - http://redorwhiteandlifesotherdilemmas.blogspot.com/2011/11/new-york-isms_13.html)
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.   (Oh so like be something for someone?  I can appreciate the middle ground on this one, and won't snarkily suggest being nothing for no one would be a better approach.  Mostly because that's a double negative and so now we're right back at the "Don't"  command, aren't we?  I'm not sure, my head is starting to hurt.)
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about. (My mother has this magnet on her fridge that says unless its fatal it is no big deal, I've tried to make that my mantra with worrying.  I've failed miserably at it.  As has my mother.)
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right. (If I woke up everyday thinking something wonderful would happen, I'd probably throw myself off a bridge as result of all the let-down.  Something wonderful is not going to happen most days.  In fact, if I get through a day without something terrible happening, I consider it a massive success.  Seems like setting the bar a little lower might be a better plan.  But, alright, I can get on board the idea of visualizing what you want.  In fact, I already have.  I made a pretty sweet vision board.  I don't remember what's on it but i can guarantee nothing has come true yet.  I'd go home and check it and report back to you but I have a feeling my cleaning lady threw it out because she was actually embarassed for me.  I mean a vision board is like "The Secret" on crack).
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing. (I actually had to seek pseudo therapy for this one, because I'm totally ungrateful (we all are - its human nature, let's be honest), but then I'll catch myself being ungrateful and feel so guilty about it.  (My grandmother did a remarkable job of instilling the jewish guilt in me.) And I think about people who don't have their health, who have lost loved ones, who have lost jobs, who have lost homes and I think how dare you sit around feeling sorry for yourself when you have so many things to be thankful for, blah blah blah.  I mean, that is what you're saying, isn't it, list?  So then I'll beat myself up over feeling ungrateful in the first place.  So listen up list, I've been told, by a trained professional, it is okay to grieve for the things you do not have even if you recognize you have a lot.  While perspective is certainly important, you are entitled to your emotions even if they seem selfish or petty compared to what other people are going through.  So don't you dare take that away from me.  That shit got deep, and I apologize for it, but seriously, these lists piss me off.)

And, I'm out.  At the very least, I'm pretty sure this lunatic's rant will dissaude anyone from sending me a mass forward for at least a few weeks.