According to thefreedictionary.com a spinster (noun): is a woman who has remained single beyond the conventional age for marrying.
What is the conventional age for marrying? Some (like my mother?) might argue we've already become spinsters by that definition. And even if we haven't (yet?), how do we reconcile what we're taught to believe about spinsters with the fact that this country is full of them and, gasp, they're not all ugly and completely undesirable. In fact, they are often wildly successful and attractive women with personalities and even, dare I say, friends. Indeed, they are often women that resemble us. It is this realization, the acknowledgement that we're all one bad breakup, one career-oriented goal, one missed opportunity away from becoming the dreaded spinster, that has caused so many woman to settle, a notion advocated by Lori Gottlieb in her book "Marry Him: the Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" which resulted in as much public reaction, articles and blog attention, as perhaps the last election. This post is undeniably late to the game, but it’s a topic I keep coming back to, so it is being posted just the same.
I still think settling is dirty word. However, as the days, weeks, months, years, pass I'm starting to think I'm one of the stubborn few holding on to that deep-rooted belief that I deserve someone great and shouldn't settle for anything less. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm picky but not entirely delusional. I don't think I deserve a supermodel or millionaire. In fact, I'm developed somewhat of a prejudice against guys that are universally viewed as hot. I'm not even looking for an instant connection or intense immediate attraction. I'm not completely naive and do believe feelings develop and good things take work. But, what I am looking for is someone who makes me want to give a damn. It isn't something I can articulate as a type, it’s more of an “I know it when i see it”, or rather - feel it, situation. Unlike most of my friends, I'm somewhat suspicious of good on paper guys (perhaps as a result of my inability to shake the "if you sound so perfect, why are you single" flawed mentality. I recognize an observer could shoot that same question right back at me, like I said, flawed mentality - I hope) but the bottom line is as Ani Difranco said, I need to be inspired. I'm looking for someone that makes me feel something, anything. I've gone on my fair share of bad dates, but I've also gone on quite a few fine dates and not fine as in damn, he is FINE, but fine as in relatively painless and I didn't want to kill myself, but truth be told I probably would have had an equally good time filing my nails and watching reruns.
One of my favorite quotes from Sex and the City is "some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies". I guess I identify with the plight of a butterfly seeker. As I watch so many friends get married and start families, I watch others desperate for that life trade in dreams of "the one" for realities of "any one". And maybe there is something to that. Lori Gottlieb sure thinks so, as her book informs and the success of her book certainly suggests many women are buying into the notion, so there just might be something to be said for that approach. Recently I went on vacation with a friend reading this book. No, reading doesn't do it justice. She was highlighting, writing in the margins, studying the book. For what it’s worth, she found it useful. I refuse to read it and therefore am in no position to comment on it, but that generally does not stop me. So, without it reading it and thus with no basis to react, I'm appalled by the concept. And it is not just because from early childhood we're taught to search for Prince Charming, strive to find that Mr. Right - How dare you tell me almost three decades later that you were wrong, that I should have just married that nice guy from Humanities seminar, because god knows he was better than the fellas I've been forced to dine with in recent years - but mostly because it removes all the romance and makes it so damn practical. As humans we are meant to mate and procreate. To adhere to social norms this requires we go down to a city hall and get a certificate so that we can start raising that family, and preferably doing so in the suburbs with a white picket fence. In order to appease our biological clocks, we've got to get that man locked down by our mid-thirties (at the absolute latest) and start popping out babies. A man becomes a means to an end rather than the end itself. And perhaps, if that's all we're looking for, than this book makes a valid point.
Unfortunately/Fortunately, I'm not entirely sold on the whole husband with 2.5 kids and a dog future. Maybe that makes it easier for me to be picky, I'm not racing against that biological clock. That isn't to say I don't want that future, I'm just not convinced it's the only acceptable life we've got. In any event, I've always insisted on butterflies and yet I'm having trouble recalling the last date I went on where I felt anything but tired. Where I actually wanted the guy to call for reasons other than the simple fact that no call would be yet another damaging blow to my self-esteem.
But, that being said, in another ten years will I feel completely differently? Will I look back at this time and think I wasted these years being stubborn and holding out for something that simply might not exist anymore? Somewhere along the line, when I was busy earning degrees and achieving professional goals, perhaps the so-called good men disappeared. Perhaps, at this stage, with the general pool of available options getting smaller and smaller, we have to lower our standards if we don’t want to end up alone. And does anyone want to end up alone? Forget about the kids, forget about the fairy-tale wedding. Do any of us want to be that woman we all know – that woman at our office, that aunt, that family friend - who just never got married. The woman who might be successful professionally, monetarily, who might be brilliant and funny and well-traveled, but who lives alone and tags along on the holidays. We all have a person that we can point to that we view as our nightmare, because from an objective standpoint they are phenomenal and they generally have it all. That is, they have it all except a man. I think this is a potential reality that many of us fear. An idea that keeps us up at night. A “what if” that we can’t shake. This vision is quite honestly the main reason I don’t like to be left alone with my thoughts. When push comes to shove, and the years have passed us by perhaps companionship is more important than anything else. Should we abandon dreams of happily ever after and settle for a life that is just completely adequate. Perhaps instead of striving for happiness, we should aim to simply be content. I suppose that, perhaps, this is the point that Gottlieb tries to make.
Yet this fear, this sometimes all-consuming fear, is not enough to persuade me to settle. I’ll admit I try to give more people a chance than I might have five years ago, and I suspect that’s a good thing, but it hasn’t convinced me to force feelings, to get involved in something simply for the sake of having someone. I believe that maybe I should lower my standards a bit, maybe I shouldn’t be so picky, maybe I shouldn’t choose an evening with my DVR over the possibility of a painful date (maybe), but I’m still looking for that certain something. At the risk of quoting Sex and the City, yet again, that zha zha zhu. I’ve seen so many of my friends end up in relationships where I truly don’t think they’re happy, where it seems like they were determined to make this one work - whoever this one was - and I can honestly say I’d rather be alone than be in some of those relationships. While it might be nice to have a built in plus one and the concept of someone to come home to, sometimes it is much, much lonelier being with someone than being alone. Most of us have been in that relationship that hasn’t ended officially yet, but in our heart we know it has and while we can’t bear to break ties, in the day to day we feel exhausted, depressed and isolated. Those have been by far some of my loneliest moments. I recognize that every person is different and some people are more comfortable with one reality over another reality, and that is not to say one reality is unequivocally better than another reality, it is simply to say that we have to understand what reality is better for us.
Perhaps what concerns me the most is the fact that I truly believe every conclusion I've reached about settling. The simple truth is I'm so cocky that I think I'm above settling. Some people might have to, but hell no, not me. But, ten years ago my bleeding heart self would have also insisted I was above selling out. That was long before my devastating introduction to my student loan advisor. So, I guess the question could become - if everyone has a price, what will finally cost me my standards?
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