I know I’ve already touched upon the facebook phenomenon but more and more the pros and cons of social media and social networking are coming up in conversation and so I'm bringing it up again. I, like many people in my generation, have a love/hate relationship with all things social media. We live in an age where we are constantly inundated with information about anything and everything and more importantly anyone and everyone. Facebook and twitter have become the source for all noteworthy news developments. For example, there isn't a celebrity or athlete who passed away in the last few years that I didn't first hear about on facebook (or I guess, courtesy of my CNN breaking news iPhone app notifications). This constant up to the minute knowledge of absolutely everything has benefits but it also has its fair share of negative consequences.
A recent NYTimes Article explored this constant source of information about everyone, the “TMI” aspects of facebook and many of the phenomenons we have all discussed/admitted amongst our friends. I suggest you give it a read if you haven’t yet. Reflecting on the article and the quotes in the article got me really thinking about how it has affected our day to day life in ways we have just sort of accepted. And of course, this piggybacks on the study that came out over the last year that created a bit of buzz about how facebook activity was linked to happiness levels and suggested facebook could lead to feelings of depression. The study essentially found that people who have had facebook longer and had more facebook friends they didn't actually know perceived others to be happier than they were and thought life was less fair. Once again I question whether a study was actually necessary to verify this phenomenon. If you asked any of my friends, they would acknowledge that facebook has a remarkable way of making people feel bad about their lives. Because no matter what you have going on, you don’t have something that one (or 200) of your friends, or rather "friends", apparently have. Indeed, even on a good day, you are confronted with an image of something you want. While posting pictures from a recent vacation, I was simultaneously jealous of pictures other people had posted from their recent vacation somewhere else. That’s insane and I recognize it, but I can’t help that it happened. Facebook has actually somehow made me jealous of things I know I don’t even want, so envy over travel to faraway places seems to be the least of my concerns.
For people who are by nature a bit competitive (me), with this constant state of comparison and introductions to new places and things, facebook presents a game that no one can win. Are facebook and twitter the new abusive relationships? And let’s not forget (since we seem to so easily forget) the obvious fact that people only post the happy times, the good vacation shots, the smiles, the accomplishments. (well most people – there are the exceptions who are constantly posting crys for help or uncomfortable status messages). If we got a realistic view of most of our facebook friends and foes, we likely wouldn’t feel as bad about our lives in comparison. I have yet to see a picture of a baby throwing a tantrum or a couple fighting or a friend sitting at her desk crying. That’s the problem with being fb friends with people you don’t really know well or for whom you have no basis to compare their stories. For the most part, I don’t get suicidal looking at my good friend’s pages because I’m simultaneously reading an email where they’re complaining about their job, a fight, an ailment, etc. And, of course, it’s much easier to be genuinely happy for a real friend than some chic who wasn’t so nice to us in high school. Facebook portrays our best lives (a la Oprah), whether they are true or not.
Don’t get me started on the lack of ground rules for social media etiquette. I could write a book specifically directed at over-sharers or narcissistic facebook users (which perhaps seems hypocritical since I mean it’s 2012 and I'm writing a blog and expect you to give a damn, clearly I'd have no leg to stand, but shh). But why people think a play by play of their day is interesting to anyone I’ll never understand. We’re not in college and this isn’t AIM. And don’t jump to the conclusion that I’m just jealous because a play by play of my day would either bore people to death or make them want to take their own lives. While that may be true, I equally doubt people are impressed with the number of loads of laundry you did today and how good your workout was (pick one thing and run with it). Sorry, but, no one cares how you spent every moment of today. No one. Of course, worse is when people post specific health ailments, in crude detail. Share that stuff with your doctor please but not with 300 people who you may or may not have ever had a conversation with. And a popular example among my “fb friends” which is filed under things I promise I will never do (I wonder if any of my friends have started keeping a list of all the many things I promise I will never do, it’ll be fun to see how soon I’m a liar) relates to the inability of people to censor themselves and separate appropriate from TMI. Listen, posting a picture of you with your baby bump is cute (I suppose, or depending on who you are if we're being honest), announcing your pregnancy by posting a picture of your baby inside of your stomach (aka, a sonogram) is something I find creepy and not so much cute. Please show that to your mother, your in-laws and perhaps your best friends (I have appreciated my fair share of friends’ first sonograms – and I mean that) but not 500 people who knew you once and made the mistake of friending you on facebook. While plenty of people will disagree with me on this point (based on the fact that every early sonogram picture I’ve ever been forced to view has been accompanied by approximately 100 “likes”, but the thing about facebook is you cannot choose what you see or don’t see, I can’t instruct facebook to hide specific things that make me uncomfortable (specific people yes, but not specific categories) and once you’ve seen it, there’s no forgetting it was seen. So for me its a stranger's sonogram, for someone else it's something different. I just think some things are better left for good old fashioned e-mail. (imagine that - I just referred to e-mail as old-fashioned). The fact that everyone else seems to be doing things that others would view as just unnecessary, does not make it acceptable. If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you? Actually, you should. Go jump off a bridge.
And it’s not just that as we age facebook becomes babybook or weddingbook. Although, good god – that seriously describes my entire newsfeed. I’m not being a hater, just pointing out the ways our newsfeeds have changed. Granted, this goes to me having to do some fb friend spring cleaning. The truth is most of the infants clogging my newsfeed belong to people I haven’t spoken to in a decade, if I even spoke to them then. There are easily 50 people on my friends list that I allegedly went to high school with. I know this because they list our high school in their info section and we have 300 ‘friends’ in common. I have no recollection of ever knowing these people though. And yet, for some odd reason I felt compelled to accept their friend requests. Why? Seeing people I really am or was friends with appear so happy can be depressing enough, why would I subject myself to further self deprecation at the hands of people I genuinely don’t give a shit about? And yet, here we are. And I mean the thing is, I actually do think its completely creepy the amount of intimate details being posted all over the internet about these innocent children (but its not just that - I just keep coming back to this example because I'm fairly certain a baby is not hacking your account and posting details about the contents of their diaper or their sleeping patterns, so they seem like victims to me - and someone has to speak for the victims). I understand there are privacy settings and that again everyone’s doing it, but if you have more than 100 or so people on your friend list, I think its sort of strange how much virtual strangers know about your babies, your health problems, your job woes or any other item filed under ‘personal’. Just saying.
One of the quotes (by Julie Klam) from the NY Times Article that I couldn’t help but laugh at was “If the F.B.I. came and ransacked my computer, they’d be like: ‘What is your obsession with this person from sixth grade? Why have you looked at her picture a million times?’” I can relate to this statement all too well. There are a handful of people (it might be a large hand, to be fair) who I find myself inexplicitly stalking. (not an ex or a rival or any other label that might warrant solidarity and empathy from most people either). There are days where I’m tempted to get a restraining order against myself on their behalf, because it is really terrifying the way I suddenly find myself on their pages and generally without leaving a trace, except – perhaps – a once a year happy birthday post.
I have a friend who deactivated her facebook account for reasons similar to the study cited above. For her, the negative feelings that resulted from facebook outweighed the benefits. She was constantly being forced to look at the things she didn’t have and was not sure she would ever have and that became too much for her mental health to handle on a day to day basis. She decided to take some time to focus on her “real life” relationships and not get weighed down by comparing her life to the lives of those she saw on a website. I applaud her for making the change. If something becomes more of a negative than a positive, then the right answer is to remove it from your life. I’m not there yet, but even if I was, I don’t think I’d have the willpower, the discipline, to keep away from it. Since my friend seems truly happier since her departure from the facebook world, I found myself inspired and went on a bit of a facebook cleanse during my last vacation. For 7 days I refused to sign in and fully focused on my activities each day. I felt rejuvenated and more sane than I had in awhile. (Of course, like I said I was on vacation so rejuvenation was likely a side effect of that). But, that facebook break was easy because I was busy doing interesting things and enjoying each day. As soon as I returned to my desk, my computer, my real life, the temptation of the facebook procrastination tool was no longer avoidable. (okay fine, I actually only made it as far as the airport - I might be a bit of an addict). And yes, of course, this story lends itself to some idiot suggesting we should always be fully focused on our activities and doing interesting things and enjoying each day, but as a permanent resident of reality, I'll just give that idiot the middle finger for all of us.
Plus, as Sloane Crosley stated in the NY Times Article: “Even if you hide a person’s news feed, you know it’s there…And then you might find yourself going to their page to get a direct hit, which can only be worse.” For me, the damage has already been done once that person has joined my facebook network. The things I've learned and the stories I've probably fabricated courtesy of everyone's favorite stalker website could fill a book, and most of them just popped up without any effort from me. There is no forgetting they’re there, and as I’m a bit of a masochist, I can’t help but frequent the pages of people who have whatever it is I think I am missing on a particular day. And doesn’t it seem like your frenemies just flaunt their happiness in your face? Or how about those ex-friends who you don’t actively wish bad things on, but it sure is annoying when you see how good everything appears. Or when you see them commenting and ‘liking’ other peoples posts or activities and realizing they don’t even bother faking it with you. It’s a strange world when a friend cuts you off in real life but lets you just linger there in virtual life and then each “online activity” serves as another blow.
I have done exactly what Sloane Crosley discussed. I hid an ex-boyfriend, but didn’t unfriend him for some reason. I guess at the time I wasn’t as active on facebook and it seemed like more of a statement than to just ignore him. And the fact was 90% of the time, I was fine with it. I’d go months without typing his name into the search field. But then, every once in awhile, my fingers would involuntarily enter his name and I’d be confronted with the proof that he insisted on continuing to live. And, every time I did, I regretted it. The final blow came when I learned of his engagement on facebook. There are certain things that you just don’t need to discover about people from your past, especially on the internet. To read people congratulating someone who you don’t think deserves any semblance of happiness is like reopening an old wound and then pouring salt in it. I finally erased him from my life in the only way he remained.
The other side to that story, of course, is perhaps one of the reasons I didn’t unfriend as long as I did (other than the saving face aspects and the general lack of caring - for the most part, most days) was because part of me wanted to demonstrate how “well” I was doing. Like, see that picture of me doing that cool thing? Yeah, I’m awesome. This completely flawed logic is one that has been admitted by many of my friends and while I hadn’t considered it initially I can’t say it didn’t play a role in my thought process as well. The best revenge is living well, after all, isn’t it? So it seems we use a facebook as a weapon in the very same way we often complain it bruises our egos. I never claimed we weren't complicated.
However, I also recognize the many positive ways facebook, linked in and other social media sites have influenced my life. And for me, the positives still outweigh the (seemingly many) negatives. Through facebook I have reconnected with people from my past – in real ways. The other week I went to dinner with a college friend who I hadn’t seen in 8 years. It hardly seemed like any time had passed and I feel fortunate to have had the chance to catch up and start building that friendship again. Similarly, I reconnected with my college roommate on linked a couple of years ago. After 6 years of not speaking, we are now back in touch and see each other twice a year. As I stated in an earlier post - http://redorwhiteandlifesotherdilemmas.blogspot.com/2011/06/friendship-facade-in-facebook-age.html - I know plenty of other people who have rekindled old relationships, romantic or otherwise, or who have built new ones thanks to this social media platform. Plus, for the many people who I don’t have the time to see as much as I’d like to, facebook does fill a small void. It allows me to stay somewhat up to date on their lives, which makes it easier to just pick up where we left out when we do see each other. In weighing the pros and cons, I've found these stories more significant and worth the occasional questions of self-worth we may succumb to on a vulnerable day.
I also use social media as a fundraising tool. It has proven a remarkable way to spread awareness and to advocate for causes. Posting a link of my wall provides information to way more people than I could hope to reach otherwise. In fact, a friend recently launched a kickstarter campaign and (in part) through the use of social media she was able to raise $10,000 and actually follow her dreams. That sort of accomplishment certainly should not be overlooked. So at this point, the benefits of social media and the way it has positively affected my life keep me from falling into the dark downward spiral of self-loathing that many others have experienced at its hands (most days anyway). And so, I’ll accept some of the negatives, and I’ll be okay with the fact that I'll continue to torture myself by checking the pages of people I regret not having in my life anymore because once I close my computer, I’ll get drinks with someone I know again because of it. And, we’ll talk about some great new artist or interesting article or friend in common that we gained insight about because of this devil – facebook, in the first place.
No comments:
Post a Comment