Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmakah

Remember when you were a kid - Christmas, Chanukah (Hanukah, Chanuka, Hanuka, Hannukah, etc.) or whatever holiday you and yours celebrated brought nothing but joy and excitement (I guess Kwanzaa is really the only one left this time of year, but as a kid I'm not sure I knew anyone who celebrated it. I vaguely recall the town green-if you will-including some Kwanzaa symbol alongside the Christmas tree and the menorah, but this is where I acknowledge my ignorance and admit I cannot offhand recall a symbol representative of Kwanzaa. I suppose that admission is worthy of a whole other blog post. Anyway I digress...).  Being the product of an inter-faith marriage, I had the best of both worlds.  Forget 8 crazy nights, I got 9 days of presents. (Niner is finer).  And, I suspect I still found plenty of ways to complain that my gifts while piled high, were not quite high enough.  Ohh, it’s amazing the perception that accompanies the aging process.  Aha, I HAVE gained more than gray hair and wrinkles! (I actually haven’t gained those yet, but I fear they are just looming barely below the surface, waiting to make their appearance at the most inopportune time imaginable.  For your benefit, I won’t waste time listing examples of such potential times, I’m sure you can come up with some stellar examples on your own.)  School closed for winter break and we were given 10 or more days to just enjoy our new presents, spend time with friends and family and bask in the holiday glow.   (Incidentally, it turns out most of my friends still enjoy this lifestyle.  For reasons I don’t fully understand, this benefit is not limited to just teachers.  In case we needed further evidence that I had chosen the wrong career path, the luxury seating on the 6 train every December 27^th surely drills the point home.)  Decorations lit the neighborhoods, family trips to NYC to see the Radio City Christmas Spectacular were magical (I stand by my belief that I would have been an awesome rockette, damn my stunted height) and there was simply no growing tired of Christmas songs on the radio.  And, not least of all, we were surrounded by friends and family at all times - there was certainly no lack of love at the holidays.  For these reasons, and so many others that I’m sure have been touched upon in other posts or will be addressed in future ones, I propose my life might have peaked at age 10.  While I’m not suggesting I’ve turned into some sort of Scrooge in adulthood – indeed, I rock a Santa hat with the best of the nice Jewish girls on the block – I have lost a bit of that holiday spirit. 

Have you placed your bets on why?  Well, there are lots of reasons.  And, even my friends who live semi-charmed lives can appreciate a handful of them; the rest of the reasons will likely just make them uncomfortable, since to quote a friend describing this type of person the other day, people who shit rainbows and this time of year – elves – don’t want to be bothered by your problems, your struggles, and especially your tears.  (That is, of course, a whole other story, but now that I’ve said it, take a minute and think about it.  Have you ever noticed how when you’re feeling down on life, on yourself, and there’s simply no room for the positivity train, these friends tend to just slump away or change the subject?  I don’t begrudge them for their happy, seemingly perfect existences.  In fact, I’ll own it, I totally envy them, but no matter what life throws at me, good or bad, I will always be somewhat grateful for my ability to relate, to “get it”.  I've found that empathy and compassion are truly underrated traits, having your advice valued is not something to regard lightly and being someone's shoulder to cry on is mostly a privilege, not a burden...and that's a point I meant to make the other day when having this discussion).  


But anyway, back to the topic at hand, as I’ve said time and time again, there are few things that annoy me more than tourists.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate what they do for the economy or that I don’t think they should have the chance to see the splendor that is my city, but I just wish they’d look and keep moving.  NYC is always full of tourists, but there are never as many as during the holiday season.  And while I realize they are on vacation and that’s oh so nice for them, I am not.  So, when their masses delay my arrival to work – and more importantly my arrival home from work – I am none too pleased about their presence.  I am even less pleased when they being here means I can’t take a cab....anywhere.  The entire month of December is like trying to get a cab in the rain.  It’s damn near impossible.  It makes attending holiday dinners and cocktail parties an exhausting process. (Actually, today I experienced rain-in December-in midtown, and I’m fairly certain if there is a hell, I am now well equipped to handle it.  Notably, that makes me quite happy that Jews don't believe in hell.  Best Chanukah present ever.)  An impossible commute does a remarkable job of killing the holiday spirit.  And, the subways are overcrowded too, with people carrying maps they can’t read and asking you if the train goes to a stop they are not pronouncing even close to correctly, a pronunciation so butchered that you’re not even confident you’re giving them the right answer (which only occurs after they don’t buy your ‘point to the headphones and shrug your shoulders while shaking your head' move).  To me the worst thing about tourists on the subway is the way they clog the platform.  No, I don’t mean as a result of their sheer numbers, I mean they walk down the stairs and they just stop.  All of them.  Like a massive force field, blocking your ability to walk to the other side of the platform, where you belong.  Some don’t even make it all the way down the stairs because it appears there is nowhere to go, but there is!  There’s like 50 feet in each direction of emptiness. Gah! Nothing like missing a train (which of course has plenty of room just 20 feet away) to make you curse the holiday season. 

Even those who are not 'without' this holiday season are likely without someone that used to be a fixture in their holiday festivities.  Traditions become tainted by the changes and it is hard not to find yourself reminiscing, remembering the way things were (often with rose colored glasses in the case of past relationships, but nonetheless, the memories resurface) and wishing, in part, that things were still that way.  For those who have lost someone in the more permanent, the more tragic, sense of the word, well they can hardly be expected to smile as brightly.  I am truly fortunate to not be able to fully understand that level of loss.  I’m not suggesting you can’t enjoy the holidays, but it’s hard to deny that there is something missing.   It's often noted that there is no lonelier time to be single than at the holidays (except perhaps when you're the token single person at a wedding.  That’s an amazing experience.  It doesn't make you want to hurl yourself from a tall building at all).  There's something about tis the season that really magnifies just how alone you are and while I'm fairly certain I didn't spend the holidays as a child questioning my self worth, in adulthood to have no one to kiss under the mistletoe is a remarkably depressing reminder of your status.  The older you get, the more you start to think you should be turning down invites to avoid being the lonely single girl at the table who offers to take the group picture since an odd number would ruin the holiday portrait of perfection.  To clarify, I'm not suggesting all your friends are thinking this when you show up at events (some of them are, but most are not), but you are and self conscious in a Santa hat isn't a good look for anyone.  

As I grew up I quickly learned it is way better to receive than to give.  And, that is not to say I’m greedy.  Sure, I like opening presents, but I certainly don’t need anyone spending money on me so I can show it off.  But what I mean is; receiving is easy.  You just rip off the wrapping paper and viola, the hard part is over!  Giving means picking out perfect presents that you think someone else will like and that shit is stressful.  I cannot even fathom how my parents managed to find so many gifts for me growing up – although, it is definitely a lot easier to buy for children, so I suppose there’s that.  When you don’t have all day to just shop for gifts, as most of us don’t – despite my best efforts I am still not a lady who lunches – you have to somehow find the time to fit shopping into your busy schedule.  And, the time you can fit it in is generally the same time that everyone on the entire island of Manhattan can fit it in.  Surviving a trip to Bloomingdales on December 22nd is a feat worthy of a medal.  Then, after all the effort of going to the store, getting the coveted item, and wrapping it oh-so-pretty, it's so dejecting to sheepishly tuck a gift receipt under the bow, because chances are you screwed it up somehow.  Plus, oh yeah, there's the fact that all these gifts cost money.  While I am happy to spend money on those I love, I do a horrific job budgeting for the holidays each year and with each swipe of the credit card, I'm subtracting an item or an activity I had planned for the month.  Each year I promise to put money aside for December and each year I fail.   Even receiving is not as fun as it used to be.  As we grow up, we start getting more practical items.  A wallet, a gift card to a grocery store, a pair of sneakers, a coat.  All necessary items that we love and appreciate, but they are simply not as enjoyable as getting a game and then playing it with friends and family.  And, the reality is when my family asks what I want for Chanukah each year, I ask for my loans to be paid off, for a new job, for calorie free wine, or to lose 10 lbs.  All I want for Christmas is a time machine.  When what you're hoping for this holiday season is not really something someone can buy, it's hard to not be disappointed.   

And what about the lovely concept of tipping and other obligatory end-of-year gifts?  As if gift giving wasn’t enough of a drain on your bank account, as you grow up, you learn there is a whole host of other players that are part of this insane gift giving game.  At work, there's the mandatory gift for your assistant, which would be totally fine if anyone clued you in on what the right amount to give was, because you learned your first year in the real world that by "gift" people really mean money.  And then you have to tip all service providers you use in the month of December- hair stylist, nail salon, dry cleaners, cleaning lady.  Hell, even my cart coffee guy got $10 for a $1 coffee last week. So have you been doing the math?  Add the 2 and carry the 1 equals half your paycheck and we haven't even discussed rental buildings. The first year I lived in a doorman building I almost had a heart attack at Christmas. Not just because of the expense, but also because - again - no one really tells you what the right amount to give is.  I mean honestly, just give me a number and I'll hand it over happily.  Instead, I spend precious hours hoping I didn't give less than the apt down the hall and if I did then praying nothing in my apt requires repair for a while. You ultimately have to withdraw another $400-500 from your dwindling funds to tip your super, the doormen, the handymen, the porters, etc. I'll tell you what, the only time I somewhat appreciated my single status this holiday season was when I acknowledged that at least I don't have to drop another god knows how much money on 'that guy'.  Although then again, if I didn’t live alone I would have someone to split all these tips with, so never mind I take that concession back.  Oh and then just getting these tips to people is a somewhat awkward and stressful process.  I'm generally not a socially inept person, but all the obligatory holiday rituals really challenge that statement.

Of course, working during the holiday season is also downright depressing.  I don't mean showing up at the office in a red sweater and enjoying all the homemade goodies hanging around.  I mean really working.  Forget about the fact that I don't have 10 days off, some years I'm lucky to even be permitted to go home for the holiday. One day of it.  Having to show up at work and bust your ass while so many people have the days off, or are showing up to work just for appearance sake but know the end of the year means sitting on the internet, is absurdly painful.  There are few things that make you question your life choices as much as missing a friend's holiday party because you are stuck at the office reviewing documents you don't understand and crying.  Everyone's merriment while you're feeling somewhat defeated just magnifies the negative feelings.  Corporate America is the new Grinch who stole Christmas. 


And finally, as we become adults we start taking on the other holiday responsibilities.  Decorating, cleaning, cooking, baking, hosting parties (I mean I don't really do any of those things because I work too much and live in a studio.  Also, my cooking skills leave much to be desired, but enough about that.), simply put - the holidays are exhausting.  When you're working full-time, straining financially to afford gifts for loved ones and then going home to further get ready for the holidays, it's actually a wonder more people are not crazy and grumpy this time of year.  Well done America, you play your part well.  

So, while I'm definitely not advocating a bah humbug approach to the holiday season, I am saying that at times I can sympathize with those individuals who fight the urge to punch carolers in the face.  And, mostly I'm reminiscing about the good old days, before the holidays carried such heavy responsibilities, before holiday parties became another awkward single status event (except times, like, 10), back when your biggest stress was whether you would get all the toys and games you asked for, hell let's call it what it is - back when you believed in Santa...rather than dressing up like Santa to gallivant around the city escaping reality and drinking all day.

You can take your "life's little lessons" and shove them up your....what?!

This post is dedicated to VH :)

A friend sent me an email entitled 30 things to stop doing to yourself.  It was a thoughtful, rational list of things many of us are guilty of and to follow the advice of the list would probably lead to great happiness, or at least self acceptance and perhaps a little perspective.  It's the sort of list that everyone should read and it would probably do me some good to take heed of at least some of the advice provided (but I won't).  And, so I'm including it here for you.  Of course my immediate reaction to the crystal clear direction at the top of the e-mail (stop doing these things) was a fairly defiant no.  It's been a stressful few weeks and so naturally, all but took offense to the suggestions.  I recognize I'm a bit of a cynist (Who, me?) and find words that resemble rainbows and butterflies to be aggravating at best - on a good day...Probably because if it were that easy...(trail off).  But have you noticed how when you're in a bad mood, a person's best (nice) intentions can almost feel like an attack and your reaction is irrrational and aggressive and almost nonsensical.  And, so let me give you a play by play of my reaction as you read this well-intentioned list.  Perhaps, you are less cynical than me or have been filled with holiday cheer and will appreciate the list for what it is.  I truly hope you are.  But, if you are not, I hope you can find a little humor or will give an 'amen sister' here and there while reading my running commentary instead.

And yes, I'll say what you're thinking.  This is a somewhat lame attempt at a blog post, but it's been a rough month at the office and now the holidays are about to knock me over - so take what you can get or stop reading, no one is forcing you to be here.

Here ya go --

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  (Oh can we Maria Robinson?  Who the hell are you Maria Robinson?  I've got some endings in mind that I'm pretty sure are unattainable.  Are you my mother?  Not like the children's book, but like my real mother - feeding me lines about how I could be anything I wanted to be when I grow up.  Hey Mom - I want to be trophy wife (how do you like me now?), turns out the ship has sailed on that one, so now what Maria Robinson, now what? )  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.  (Oh shut up)
Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.   (What's that expression, don't waste your time thinking about someone who isn't thinking about you.  I recall people scrawling that on their aim profiles back in the day.  Is that empowering?  Like, okay.  Sure.  Let me just go ahead and turn that switch off...aaaaand....viola, no more thinking about Mr. tall dark and handsome or the fateful ex or whatever.  I recognize this advice is actually slightly more reasonable.  You can control who you spend time with.  Sometimes.  Sometimes you can't.  Unless every social occasion is a one on one, there's a good chance there will be people there you have little control over seeing.  And beyond faking blindness (which I'd argue might not be the worst idea in some instances) you won't be able to ignore the fact that there they are and thus there you are spending time with them.  I guess this one is more like 'don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option' or something.  That was another regular  aim profile offender in college.  usually in some pink italic font with hearts.  I could actually go on about this one for awhile, but I'll pause now and continue.)
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become. (Fine, don't run from them.  Walk away slowly.  I'm not necessarily against avoidance, unless there's actually a solution to your problem.  Otherwise, a list of unsolvable problems seems like it could lead to the opposite of happiness, but what the hell do I know.  I mean, honestly I don't hate the sentiment, but I need some examples here.  What kind of problems are we talking about?  If your problem is a potential fist fight, you should most certainly run away from that.  Although in hindsight, I kind of wish I had gotten in a fist fight in my life, just to know if I could actually back up any of the nonsense I say.)
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled <http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0743243153/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=marandang-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0743243153> . (Whatever list, I'm pretty damn comfortable lying to myself so I think you're wrong when you say I can't do it.  It's done.  Also, I don't need a reading recc, this list is a bazillion pages long as is.  Slow your roll.)
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now. (Hell yeah I'm special, if nothing else, American parents instilled that lie in everyone as children.  Also, I can certainly think of more painful things than losing myself in the process of loving someone too much.  Challenge accepted.)
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.  (Well, now you're just throwing insults around.  There are prettier and smarter people than me?  Screw you list.  And also I feel confident that your blanket statement will not apply to everyone.  There are people out there, whose real selves are total dbags.  I won't name names, but I think changing for people to like you isn't always a bad thing.)
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one. (So wait, you're saying don't stalk people on facebook?  Don't shed tears on old pictures? Don't sit on the floor of my apartment drinking wine from the bottle and pouring a little out for the homies, of what was, of what could have been? Don't play out conversations with different endings in my head?  Well shoot list, I wouldn't even know what to do with the free time that resulted from that change.  I mean COME ON list - duh.  I'll let you have this one, but, only because it's completely obvious.  Of course you should stop holding on to the past, everybody knows that.  Minus 200 points for lack of creativity, list.  I'll also allow it because I really like that Sex and the City quote - surprise ANOTHER SATC quote - about the past being like an anchor holding us back.  And I tend not to miss an opportunity to quote that show.  I hear you Carrie Bradshaw, I hear you (not this list, I am not buying what you're selling so far list.)
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.  (Well 2 points for that last statement list, color me your poster child for that war cry.  But, as far as stop being scared to make a mistake - hell no.  By all means, life requires risk, I get that.  But in life there are some mistakes that you don't have the luxury of doing wrong 10 times (seriously, do you have a job list-writer?).  So, thanks but no thanks list, I will continue to be terrified of making mistakes.  Maybe if I had become that trophy wife I could stop being scared to make mistakes, but until then...)
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come. (Didn't we just talk about mistakes, so really there's 29 things on this list.  Lame.)
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions. (Ohhhh wait, I already wrote this blog post.  check it (whaaat - http://redorwhiteandlifesotherdilemmas.blogspot.com/2011/09/just-sit-there-and-look-pretty-case.html) and sorry list, but it turns out those "free" things you mention are not that easy to come by, so in the meantime I'm going to take a break from this reactionary piece and go buy things. )
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness <http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1400077427/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=marandang-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1400077427> . (no no no no no, I said no more book reccomendations.  blah blah blah love yourself first or no one will love you.  Well I'll tell you what list, I think I'm pretty damn awesome and that outlook isn't getting me very far either.  So, I'm calling your bluff.)
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.  (Idle hands are the devil's tools? what? I mean, I guess 2 points for a sports analogy, a weak one but I'll give  you the points anyway.)
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first. (Let's make a deal list - you give me one of these so-called opportunities, and I'll show you how ready I am.)
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.  (Oh sorry, I just rolled my eyes so hard I fell off my chair.)
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.  (I don't even know what this means.  Seriously, I don't get it.  Perhaps you were right earlier, list, there ARE people smarter than me.  Is this like the everyone is a chapter in the story of my life?  I mean I guess that's true, I don't see what that has to do with rejecting new relationships though.  God, I feel stupid.)
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only. (Oh okay, let's start small - tomorrow I'm going to try to make until 10am before I'm banging my head against my desk at the office - that will be 5 minutes earlier than today's record.   Or maybe I'll try to make it til Tuesday without having a drink next week.  Well, wait, now I'm just setting myself up for failure.)
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?” (well that was a depressing exercise, what's something I have that everyone wants? ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, nothing? well played list, well played. How many real-life people can actually think of something that EVERYONE wants.  If those people exist, I'm now painfully jealous of them.  Yeah, see that didn't work at all list.  Complete backfire.)
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be. (So smile?  I mean let's start small with the demand to stop complaining and feeling sorry for myself (I probably can't even do that), but don't you dare ask me to smile about it.  Plus, I'm really, really, ridiculously good at complaining and feeling sorry for myself - and I feel like somewhere in this list there's probably something about cultivating your strengths or at least there should be, so, you know, just sayin.)
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.  (omm)
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs. (But then how the hell would anyone get married?  http://redorwhiteandlifesotherdilemmas.blogspot.com/2011/05/how-low-will-you-go-have-standards.html)
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.  (I would have stayed with you if after the bold you had said: because people are stupid.  Stop explaining yourself to others, because people are stupid - now, that's some logic I can get behind.)
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly. (Shouldn't this be more like stop doing the same things over and over again, period.  What does a break have to do with it?  Step out of the hamster wheel for a moment, but then get right back in? Oh you mean like  stepping away from a draft or a project to gain perspective and fresh eyes? Hmm, perhaps, but I'm not sure that's exactly what you said list.  Maybe take a break and edit your work before you send it around as an obnoxiously long chain e-mail.)
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you. (Well now I do agree with this advice, but, like, here's the thing.  Now I just feel sad about all the moments I've already missed, the moments I already look back on and miss, and (because I'm a realist) all the moments I will probably continue to miss...so shoot, now I'm feeling sorry for myself again and am disobeying #17 already.  Geez, I'm failing at your commandments before I even get through the first read.)
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done <http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0142000280/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=marandang-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0142000280> . (Wait what?  That was a terrible segway.  Surprise option (c) - the real world rewards people who get things done 'perfectly', or you know at least correctly.  Getting things done isn't all that helpful if you're just doing it for the sake of gettin' 'er done.  Clearly this was a cheap attempt at plugging another book.  Stop selling me your goddamn books - who do you work for?!)
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.  (I mean how are we defining worthwhile?  John Cusack was waiting for that dare to be great situation in "Say Anything",  I'm pretty sure he ended up following his high school obsession across the pond instead.  I would really like my life to be an 80's movie so perhaps that's the sort of extraordinary I should be striving for, I don't know.)
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.  (I'd dare to argue that shedding tears is not necessarily followed by smiling.  Sure, sometimes you just need to get it out, but other times, you'll find if you start crying you'll find yourself crying more and more everyday.  I'd venture to guess that walking around like a train wreck is not going to solve your problems.  In fact, it may lead to more (what now, list?).  I'm sure your boss won't appreciate it.  Your friends grow tired of the same old sob story.  You're going to look like a hot mess with blotchy red cheeks and bloodshot eyes, which isn't likely to result in new fans.  I'm more a supporter of the fake it til you make it approach (and then if you don't make it, at least you'll look damn good trying).  Cry on your own time, but YES pretend to be strong and be concerned with what other people are thinking, we live in a civilized nation, let's not hammer at the foundation of social society.  Please and thanks.)
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life. (Oh wait.  Agreed.  Weird.  I'm all for accountability.  Nobody cares whose (who's? crap) fault you think it is.  Deal with it and get over it.  Or don't get over it, but don't blame anyone else for your innane decision to go to law school, for your drinking problem, for mistakes at work, for every stupid or mean thing you've said and are forced to recount in vivid recollection, for every friend you've fought with, for every guy you let get away.  Own it and then cry about it in private - in stark contradiction to #25 - or on a subway - http://redorwhiteandlifesotherdilemmas.blogspot.com/2011/11/new-york-isms_13.html)
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.   (Oh so like be something for someone?  I can appreciate the middle ground on this one, and won't snarkily suggest being nothing for no one would be a better approach.  Mostly because that's a double negative and so now we're right back at the "Don't"  command, aren't we?  I'm not sure, my head is starting to hurt.)
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about. (My mother has this magnet on her fridge that says unless its fatal it is no big deal, I've tried to make that my mantra with worrying.  I've failed miserably at it.  As has my mother.)
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right. (If I woke up everyday thinking something wonderful would happen, I'd probably throw myself off a bridge as result of all the let-down.  Something wonderful is not going to happen most days.  In fact, if I get through a day without something terrible happening, I consider it a massive success.  Seems like setting the bar a little lower might be a better plan.  But, alright, I can get on board the idea of visualizing what you want.  In fact, I already have.  I made a pretty sweet vision board.  I don't remember what's on it but i can guarantee nothing has come true yet.  I'd go home and check it and report back to you but I have a feeling my cleaning lady threw it out because she was actually embarassed for me.  I mean a vision board is like "The Secret" on crack).
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing. (I actually had to seek pseudo therapy for this one, because I'm totally ungrateful (we all are - its human nature, let's be honest), but then I'll catch myself being ungrateful and feel so guilty about it.  (My grandmother did a remarkable job of instilling the jewish guilt in me.) And I think about people who don't have their health, who have lost loved ones, who have lost jobs, who have lost homes and I think how dare you sit around feeling sorry for yourself when you have so many things to be thankful for, blah blah blah.  I mean, that is what you're saying, isn't it, list?  So then I'll beat myself up over feeling ungrateful in the first place.  So listen up list, I've been told, by a trained professional, it is okay to grieve for the things you do not have even if you recognize you have a lot.  While perspective is certainly important, you are entitled to your emotions even if they seem selfish or petty compared to what other people are going through.  So don't you dare take that away from me.  That shit got deep, and I apologize for it, but seriously, these lists piss me off.)

And, I'm out.  At the very least, I'm pretty sure this lunatic's rant will dissaude anyone from sending me a mass forward for at least a few weeks.

New York-isms

Every resident of NYC, after living in the city for a few years, reaches a moment when they finally feel like they are indeed a true New Yorker.  Whether it is an outer body experience as your view yourself reacting to a particular thing, place or person or if it takes a trip to your hometown or another city altogether where you realize you have about as much patience as Donald Duck (wait what...yeah I don't know, I googled notoriously impatient things and he came up quite a few times, so take that to your next trivia game) and you can't fathom how people can possibly walk as slow as they seem to be walking, you realize there's officially no going back to your former self and no matter where you go in life, there will always be a little New Yorker in you.   Different people have different views on what it means to be a true New Yorker and its a concept that was done fairly well last season in How I Met Your Mother (which was refreshing as despite my steadfast loyalty to my weekly viewings of How I Met Your Mother, I spent most of Season 5 trying to decide if it had officially jumped the shark).  According to Ted, Barney, Marshall and Lily, to be a true New Yorker you must have stolen a cab from somebody else, you must have cried on a Subway and you must have killed a cockroach with your bare hands.  Well two out of three ain't bad folks and so help me if I ever kill a cockroach with my bare hands.  So far I have thrown hardcover books at them (fail), stepped on them (I just got chills recalling the sound of that crunch. gag.) and obliterated them by overspraying a raid can while yelling dieeeeeeeee at the top of my lungs and then nearly asphyxiating on the fumes because it turns out you don't need to use a full can of raid on one insect, especially when you live in a 300 sq. ft. room.  But, I think there are many other moments when you know you're a true New Yorker.  In fact, topping the list is when you consider your relationship with New York to be just that.  Carrie Bradshaw considered New York her true love on Sex and the City.  My relationship with New York is a little bit more of a love/hate thing.  There are days when I am in the midst of a true love affair, dancing through the streets and counting my blessings for the ability to live in the best city in the world.  Know that.  Then, there are days when paying exorbitant prices to live in a 500sq foot studio, alone courtesy of the 6-1 male-to-female ratio, and returning home at the end of a workday which is generally hours later than the rest of the country, really gets the better of me and I am no longer impressed with the glamour and the culture and the pulse, the amazing pulse, of this city.   Sometimes its hard to live somewhere where you're literally surrounded by models and you are shocked when you travel to other places and learn you are not, in fact, an obese troll.  In some ways New York is like an abusive boyfriend.  There are days when it is deliriously wonderful, when it makes you really feel alive, when you would defend it to your death and you can't imagine loving anything more, and then there are days when it beats you up and breaks you down to the point where, well, you have no choice but to cry on the subway (which is where we'll start the list).

So as I put together a farewell bar crawl for a friend leaving this great city, I started thinking about a random assortment of times/things/trials/tribulations (or hell let's call them accomplishments because New Yorkers are nothing if not snobby) that could qualify as reaching 'New Yorker' status or depending on where you fall on the love/hate scale with New York on a particular day we can refer to them as moments when you realize you've been in New York too long.  While New Yorkers are nothing if not snobby, I'm nothing if not completely absurd so don't be concerned when this list is missing some obvious indicators and instead includes statements that make you question our friendship.  Or, if we're not friends, make you thankful for that.

You might be a New Yorker if...

1. Let's start with one referenced in How I Met Your Mother.  You've cried on the subway....more than once.  And, when relaying your latest sob show to a fellow New Yorker you say something like "you know when you cry on the subway and" and they nod because anyone who's anyone has cried on the subway.  Here's the thing about crying on the subway.  It is both good and bad.  Both refreshing and terrifying.  While most people will sometimes allow themselves a good cry-fest in the car or break down for a few minutes at the end of a bad day in solitude, in New York we don't have cars and we don’t have the luxury of crying in private sometimes.  And, so, the ability to cry privately in public is sort of a gem.  It's also sort of horrific, that no one even bothers to notice you not even bothering to wipe the tears away, but hell you're no one special and they probably shed their own tears yesterday.
2. You've had a physical altercation with a cab that almost hit you.  I mean listen I ain't nobody's fool if someone tries to hit me I’m going to hit them back...snap snap snap...right on their shiny yellow hood. Let’s not focus on the fact that it was probably your fault because - subtopic, You also play frogger while crossing the street and get angry at cars that beep at you when they have the right of way - and, of course, you wait to cross the street on the street not the sidewalk (every second counts when you're always in a hurry) and then you get annoyed when a car driving on the road they have every right to be driving on almost hits you- and somehow because we're an angry demographic instead of reacting in fear when a giant yellow vehicle interrupts whatever song we're bopping along to on our ipod by screeching to a halt mere inches from our bodies, we scream obscenities at the cabdriver (who can't hear us because he’s inside the car) and then punish inanimate objects (that'll show you!)  You also think its hilarious when tourists try to follow you across the street when you are crossing without the right of way and then you hear the screech of the car and the curse of the driver behind you when those idiots didn't walk fast enough. 
3. Oh hey, sticking with the cab theme, because there are just so many cab related moments:  (i) You've had countless near death experiences in a cab that would leave any normal human being terrified, but instead you were too busy playing on your smartphone to notice at all OR you actually thank the taxi driver for getting you to your destination in such a timely manner, and, of course, (ii) The taxi TV is the worst thing since Haiti and the ability to pay with a credit card is worth more than your college education.
4. You can successfully navigate the underground wonderland of shops below the Rock Center subway station.  About a year ago my friend finally took me through the winding underground world from 47th street to 50th street, from 6th avenue to 5th avenue, and I was astounded at how many shops, restaurants and the like were bustling down there.  It was like being introduced to a whole new world just blocks from my office.  A few weeks later I tried to go back and find the salad shop we had ventured to together, but wound up getting so turned around I ended up back on the mean streets of midtown and gave up.  Now I use the underground as a shortcut and a way to stay dry when it’s raining.  Look how far I've come!
5. You know the exact street borders for various neighborhoods and know where each neighborhoods ranks.  Your search for an apartment is described to a broker in terms of such cut-offs.  "What part of nothing above 24th street did you not understand?"  And, you have a favorite restaurant, bar, store and fro-yo shop in pretty much every neighborhood worth frequenting.  (You also immediately have to discover a favorite restaurant in every ethnic genre upon moving to a new neighborhood).  You recognize that moving on up in New York is really moving on down, since everyone starts out in the upper east side and affordable real estate below 14th street is worth skipping work meetings to lock down.  
6. Your parents are actually concerned about your life skills.  You don't have to do your own laundry - someone else does that, folds it and delivers it to your apartment.  You don't have to clean your apartment - you have a cleaning lady with a key to your apartment that magically transforms your space while you are out.  You don't have to cook - you have more restaurants that deliver in a 3-block radius than most towns have in total.  You don't have to have any supplies of any sort on hand - there's a duane reade within a block of your apartment that is open 24 hours.  And, you don't have to know how to get anywhere - because you can just jump in a cab and give a destination (without lifting your head from your iphone, of course). 
7. You have a therapist.  And then you also have about a dozen pseudo therapists that you force to listen to your so-called problems.  Because lets face it, New Yorkers are a neurotic bunch of individuals.  So, you talk to your hair stylist, your waxer, your taxi cab driver (honestly the things people admit in front of a taxi driver are almost reason enough to try that profession out for a day), your doorman, the ladies at the nail salon, the cashier at 7-11, your personal trainer, your bartender and of course your friends - who are just patiently waiting their turn to unleash all sorts of crazy.
8. Absolutely everything annoys you.   You get annoyed waiting 5 minutes for a subway to arrive, which is why you will literally barrel through people down the subway stairs in an attempt to catch the train currently there and shoot daggers of death with your eyes at all the people who got in your way.  You know where to wait to get on the exact same subway car every morning because it lets you out in the best place, or will be the least crowded option or is the easiest to transfer from.  You have your morning subway routine down to an art form.  Being delayed for "train traffic" or worse, "a sick passenger" makes you violently angry, you check your watch every 22 seconds and react with exasperated sighs each minute that passes while you are still waiting to move - despite the fact that generally you aren't late.  Not being late is irrelevant since you are always in a rush.  Even when you have nowhere to be, you're in a rush.  Even if you might get somewhere early, you're in a rush and you make no secret, to anyone, about how busy and important you think you are.  
9. You own at least one pair of uggs and one pair of hunters and you're never quite sure which one to wear in the winter.  You have at least 5 umbrellas and keep 2 at the office but you never have one with you when it spontaneously downpours on your walk home.  You have Zagat guides from the last five years and have never opened them.  You have a subscription to Time Out and NY Mag, but find you mostly read them online.  You think the NY Times is the best newspaper on the planet but sadly can't remember the last time you bought it since the am and the metro are free and being shoved in your face as you buy your morning coffee from your cart guy.
10. You can't remember how to drive.  And, you're sort of dismayed that the DMV allowed you to just renew your license.
11. You've used the phrase (or expressed a similar sentiment without sounding quite as douchey) 'Brooklyn has become gentrified' as if you're in the know.  Generally you have little basis for comparison either, unless you count the hip hop culture, Spike Lee joints and pictures you've seen from decades past.  It's more a statement you make when people are considering moving to various parts of Brooklyn that are more stroller than gangster and they express a hesitation, so naturally with a roll of the eyes you mock their fear with the fact that Brooklyn has become gentrified (and who doesn't know that at this point).  Park Slope does not go hard Mos Def.
12. And of course, you refer to New York simply as The City.  Because it is The City.  And you actually laugh at other people's attempts to call their city, the city, even when you're in their city and it makes sense but you refuse to concede to that logic because, I mean, come on, you can't hand over the title to just anywhere.

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back

A few years ago I wrote a piece that I never intended to show anyone.  It was a story about one who got away.  I will not say 'the' one, as there were arguably many that I let walk out of my life, some without much of a second thought, some with hours of pointless analysis, some in the romantic sense and some not.  Except, it wasn’t a story about that at all.  It was a story about regret, many things I never said, many things I did.  Except, in many ways it wasn't.  It was a story about realizations.  Except, I'm not sure there was anything worthwhile about my conclusions.  It was a story about one particular day.  Except, it really embodied months, years even.  At the core, it was a story about me.  Except, it wasn’t a story at all. And, while the words would barely be significant to most readers, it resonated with me in a way I couldn’t shake, even much later. After filling pages with confessions, some I hadn’t before admitted to even myself, I saw for the first time the reality of a situation I had been unable to see with any clarity when it mattered.  Or perhaps I just saw the version I wanted to see so many years later, although that perspective would make me seem like somewhat of a masochist.  Perhaps I am.  The pages made a typical scenario, one that almost everyone has experienced in some degree or another, seem quite tragic.  Words are magical like that.  As I wrote, I wiped away tears I did not know I was holding back.  Words are therapeutic like that.  The hardest things to let go of are the things you don’t even realize you are still holding onto.  Once there were no more words to write I sat back and tried to name it.  I hit “file”,” I hit “save as” and I stared at the unaddressed love letter (if you will) that would never be sent.  I wanted to call it something worthy of the feelings it surfaced, the admissions I had guarded for so long, the reflections it had captured.  I sat and thought about it for a long time and nothing seemed right.  So it remained untitled.  And a week later I returned to it and tried again.  After a few weeks I realized sometimes, when everything’s been said, there isn’t anything left to call it.  It remains untitled.

Upon revisiting the piece, I got to thinking about days gone by.  There is a certain clarity that can only come with the passage of time, the ability to recognize things once the ‘danger’ of having to act on such realization has passed, or when you can look back and appreciate how much you’ve grown and how much you’ve learned.  Most people can acknowledge old flaws, bad trends, stupid past decisions with a laugh, but admitting current ones is nearly impossible.  Many of us have the ability to look back on ourselves with an honesty that is simply impossible in the moment.  There are aspects of our past that may not have stood out at the time, may not have seemed like anything notable, but in hindsight we realize they were everything or they could have been everything.  Then again, as the years pass and the dust settles, the truth also gets buried in there somewhere.  And sometimes, its difficult to recognize what is truly real.  We create memories.  We exaggerate relationships.  We convince ourselves of truths that never were.  When you blow the dust of an old photograph, all that remains are smiling faces.  We are rarely so happy as our photo albums would lead others to believe, yet we too are deceived by smiles from our past, by embraces we barely remember, by body language and posture and a glitter in the eyes that no one else can really see.  Do we fabricate the predictable one who got away to add a certain level of drama to our otherwise routine existence?  Do we write our own tale of unrequited love because we forgot how to believe in modern day love stories?  Time has a way of blurring memories.  Things that were once so vivid, so important, so real, tend to fade as time goes by.  It is a sentiment captured by many song lyrics.  (“There are things I remember, things I forget.  I miss you.  I guess that I should.” But should we?).  They say time heals all wounds and I suppose in most ways it does, it certainly dims memories, but sometimes it magnifies others.  Sometimes the act of putting things into words reassures you it was ever real.  But, sometimes just an old song can you bring you back to some particular experience with such vivid recollection it is as though time has not budged at all.  Sometimes it takes a reunion with old friends to remember defining times.  And, sometimes just glancing at a name or a photo can send you down a whimsical memory lane.  Sometimes It requires validation.  Sometimes it validates you.

Then I got to thinking about the things that were, the things I was, the things I wanted, both then and now.  How have I changed? What have I achieved?  What am I still striving for?  What did I let go entirely, and why? As we grow older I expect moments of reflecting on the ‘good old days’ will become more frequent.  As our relationships grow and change we’ll find our hearts aching for old friends, for the comfort of what that meant.  It’s a strange feeling to recall a pivotal memory and realize the other parties are just people you once knew.  I’m certainly not advocating for living in the past, rather to look back with fondness on the many people and experiences that got us to where we are today.  But then of course, the trick -the hard part - is to focus on where you are today.  Don’t dwell on regret but learn from the decisions, or the lack of decisions.  I don’t buy into the everything happens for a reason cop-out, but every step or misstep on the road of our life has shaped our path in some way.  Our past is what made us who we are today, for better or worse.  I think so many of us get caught up in the day to day, the routine, the life we’ve stumbled upon and we lose sight of what our former selves were striving for.  We lose sight of who we were.  It’s easy to wake up one morning and be hit with the weight of years gone by.  Or, maybe we got to exactly where we wanted to be and learned it wasn’t what we thought it would be, we learned it wasn’t what we wanted after all, and then we feel paralyzed by the weight of our decisions.  But, the thing is, it is rarely what we thought it would be.  It is rarely what we expected.  There's always some weight that seems to be holding us down.  It's easier to just not fight against it.  It's easier to do what's comfortable, to ignore those moments that gives us pause.   We can’t go back, we can’t change the things we did, but we can change the things that will be.  I believe in second chances.  I believe its never too late.  It is a common piece of advice that we regret not the decisions we make (or the things we do) but rather the decisions we do not make (the things we do not do).  I’ve learned in reflecting on the past, I regret both, but it is the decisions I did not make, the risks I did not take, that I regret more.  And, so in reading a past mini memoir on another subject matter entirely, I realize the importance of learning from my past inactions.  It gives me the courage to embrace change, to take risks, to make decisions about my future that perhaps veer from the charted course.  There is much, so much, that I do not know but I do know that I don't want to write another untitled piece about something I didn't do today.  

Just Sit There and Look Pretty; The Case Against Higher Education

      It's 10 pm do you know where your children are? Well, if your child is a slave to corporate America, chances are the answer to that question is at the office.  Or, at the very least, reviewing documents from home, obsessively checking her blackberry, freaking out about an upcoming assignment, a recently finished task or low billable hours, or drinking heavily to forget about work altogether.  What they are not doing is getting their beauty rest or heading out somewhere to meet your future son-in-law.  While some of us spent long hours in the library in graduate school to get the degree that would land us the dream job (which we soon learned was actually a nightmare…the American Dream, my ass...) and secured awesome externships or summer jobs to gain the experience that would make us oh so valuable to an occupation we would soon reconsider, others were able to spend time at the gym, perfect their tan, learn about the latest fashions, and well, just sleep. We, the “career ladies” if you will, judge these girls relentlessly.  Mostly out of envy rather than malice.  There is more to life than being pretty and getting a man after all!  (Why, thank you feminists for that wise declaration.)  And yet, by the time we emerge from our graduate school caves, we come to learn our youth has somehow passed us by and in return we have a degree that stands for equal opportunities and blah, blah, blah.  While to save face I insist that I’m too smart to have just a “job” (a statement that doesn't even make sense since I know many intelligent people who went other (better?) routes in life - but that's the thing about saving face - and a statement that is easily countered by the fact that I chose to make the not so smart decision to go to law school in the first place), the only people who seem to believe how smart I am appear to be of the male gender, and I've learned that despite what we were taught when we were younger, smart (generally) isn't sexy after all.  No man (vast generalization) wants to date a woman who is potentially smarter and more successful than he is (and when using smart as a dirty word, women in suits top the list as culprits).  I’d love to be wrong about this, but I could give you a list of men who, while somewhat embarrassed to admit it, would confirm that keeping your salary and occupation guarded will likely increase your chances of getting asked out on a date.  (hmm, that sounds like an interesting experiment).   It is the rare man who is secure enough in his manhood to let the woman be his sugar mama.  It is rarer still that this man doesn't find himself resenting his "successful" partner, and straying.  So, fine, you might think a successful (if we're discussing monetary success) woman should date men of equal (monetary) success.  The quintessential power couple, so to speak.  That makes sense except that the stereotypical (I said stereotypical) successful man wants a trophy wife.  It's hard to be a trophy wife when you work 60-100 hours a week.  Plus, stress lines and 10pm take out at the office don’t lend themselves to good arm candy.  

Now, to be fair, I do believe there is more to life than “being pretty and getting a man”, I’m simply reporting observations.  And, despite many of my statements above which would make Susan B. Anthony turn over in her grave, if I went back in time I’m sure my stubborn self would do it all over again because there is also a lot to say for challenging work, for solving problems, for proving yourself, for accomplishing things other people perhaps could not, for money in the bank, for a job title most view as evidence of tangible success, for brushing off your shoulder with a smug look when you inform some idiot that you are a lawyer and watching them just shut the hell up.  Instead what I’m suggesting (I think, maybe) is that there tends to be a risk of a trade-off in accomplishing these things and it is often a trade-off we are not prepared for or even aware of until after the fact.  And, it isn’t just the whole landing a man thing (although it seems there is often a correlation between success and singledom), it is happiness in general.  A recent study cited in the ABA Journal revealed that the profile of the unhappiest worker was a 42 year old unmarried woman who was likely a lawyer or a doctor.  Oh wait, a key word there is still unmarried.  So maybe it is about landing a man.  Well super duper.  This all sounds encouraging.  Although, I do hope no one was paid to reach such an obvious conclusion.

So let’s fast forward to graduation, once we've finished pursuing that higher education, real life starts.  When you're a waitress, a teacher, or someone working one of those elusive 9-5’s (rumor has it they still exist), presumably you have time to go to the gym, to put on makeup, to actually give a damn about your appearance.  You get to show up at these crazy things called happy hours (happy what now?), where men in suits can oggle at you and buy you drinks. You get to join activities and organizations, attend events, cultivate interests, meet new people, have a life.  For those of us who have earned those coveted capital letters after our name and landed those sought after positions in big law, finance or the like, the gym becomes just another bill we pay, and often something we don't see for months at a time - a fat tax, if you will.  We spend the majority of our day sitting at our desks, ordering take-out or visiting the vending machine for dinner, and relying on near illegal amounts of caffeine (not sleep) to function.  We also spend our days stressing about everything.  My mother recently informed me that stress makes you fat.  Well, fantastic.  Add it to the list.  Plus by the time we've earned our success, we're old.  And, I suppose the stress lines make us look older.  And by all means, let’s not just focus on the more superficial results of success.  Long hours, lack of sleep and panic attacks are simply not healthy.  (Who knew?) We're literally working ourselves to death - and for what? Prestige?  Prestige gets old real quick, especially if you're a female.  Friends and family become increasingly less impressed with your job title and more concerned with your bare ring finger.  They're not interested in your promotion, the possibility of partner track or an interesting new assignment.  They only want to know who you're dating and why you are not concerned about the fact that by the time you have kids, if you manage to have them at all, all your friend’s children will be old enough to babysit (which doesn't seem like a particularly bad arrangement to me, but what do I know).  And whether you personally considered this a problem yourself, people will soon convince you it is one.  Some may console you with the notion that you'll meet someone soon and it happens when you're not looking, which may just be the most absurd expression of all time -if you’re single and 30, chances are you’re always looking, unless of course you’ve given up completely which I’m not sure (although can’t be certain) is what they’re recommending.  Some may suggest you try to put yourself out there.  Oh okay.  Sure.  Out where?  Some may be too uncomfortable to respond and simply change the subject back to themselves, and their socially acceptable lifestyle.  Some (perhaps the only ones offering a practical solution) may offer to help draft your suicide note. 

And, once you've been in the trenches for more than a minute you come to realize you are actually punished for your single status at work as well.  The judgment is literally everywhere you go.  Those coworkers with families are permitted to leave "early" for their child's plays, for an anniversary dinner, for family time in general and those of us without are expected to pick up the slack, because I mean what could we possibly have to get out of here for anyway.  It turns out that happy hours and blind dates are not viewed with the same level of importance as a child with the flu (though I can't imagine why).  So, the cycle continues.  You can understand now that when I express to certain people that I fear I'm doomed, they no longer bother arguing this conclusion. 

So, here’s where I should probably come up with some brilliant solution to the problems outlined above, but I don’t have one.  If I did, I wouldn’t be writing a blog from the office on a Thursday night with my unused gym bag sitting beside me.  This was the case against higher education folks, though I welcome your counter arguments.  Indeed, I’m desperately hopeful that there are plenty, I’m just too tired to think of any right now.

I'm Back!

After a somewhat long hiatus from the blogging world, I am plotting my return.  It is not that I haven't been writing things, I have, it is just that I haven't been writing things which I can post without spilling secrets or offending people.  And so I've been embracing sayings like "silence is golden" and "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."  Or rather, I've been spitting venom about things over glasses of wine with innocent third parties but biting my tongue when it comes to the internet.  I mean, baby steps, right?  One cannot become virtuous overnight. 

The Friendship Facade in the Facebook Age

A friend and I recently discussed the fact that with the advent of Facebook we had somehow managed to escape many good old fashioned emotions.  Specifically we were talking about the concept of missing someone.  We had both made recent connections on Facebook with people from our past.  Someone who had been somewhat influential.  Someone who we often had wondered about, perhaps somewhat whimsically, and remembered with fondness but who was now just a memory.  Upon learning they were still alive (because without Facebook you might as well be dead, right?), we were flooded with memories.  I found myself really missing this person, regretting losing touch and trying to remember how we had and thinking about our past friendship more than was probably healthy.  Of course it didn't mean we were friends again in any way that mattered, Facebook just gives us the ability to try and stalk whatever public virtual life they make available and pretend that might make up for the person’s absence in our real life.  When expressing this to another friend, she suggested it was because we simply are not used to missing people, and she’s right.  With Facebook we are able to keep daily tabs on people from our past, we are able to stay somewhat informed about their lives, we are able to convince ourselves that we never really lost touch because we feel like we still know them – even if the truth is we haven’t actually spoken to that person in years, even if we have relied on Facebook to allow us to fabricate these friendships.  We can tell other people about them as if we know things, report back to other people on things in their life, as if we have any basis for our statements.  It has somehow allowed us to believe we are friends with people we are not really friends with.  We don’t miss people when we still feel as though we still “see” them, even if they are only in our lives in a completely artificial sense.  Even if we only know the things they choose to share with 500 other people on the internet, it is enough to keep our hearts from feeling the emptiness it might otherwise feel if we were not connected to them, even in this somewhat contrived way. 

And, that isn’t too say we can’t reconnect through social media even in a real way, we can and we have.  Through both linked in and Facebook I have indeed rekindled – to a certain extent – friendships.  And, I know people have become extremely close friends (again or for the first time) or started relationships as a result of this ability to connect with people they used to know.  It is an easy way to keep tabs on people we care about, to remind us when we need to call, to fill the voids that occur due to our busy lives.  Instead of just an email here and there or a phone call every couple of months we are able to pick up without skipping a beat because we are not completely in the dark about what has been going on with these friends.  Indeed, it sometimes serves as a reminder that we do miss someone, that it’s been too long since we’ve seen each other, since we’ve really talked.  A picture posted of a good friend’s baby that you haven’t gotten the chance to meet yet, can do wonders in the guilt arena,  but, a glance at a Facebook page can’t – or shouldn’t – replace those phone calls, it shouldn’t eliminate the need to have real conversations, to plan trips, to know the things that none of us would broadcast on the internet. 

Of course, this also leads to questions such as what if Facebook disappears, the way Friendster and MySpace did (at least disappeared as far as real social networking sites are concerned, now MySpace is generally associated with music and Friendster seems to be some type of gaming site) but with no replacement, what happens when we move on from this type of social media?  Suddenly we go from having this minute by minute connection to people (albeit a surface level connection) to knowing nothing about them.  There are definitely people who I recognize I am only Facebook friends with, some are people from my past and some are friends of friends (some are people I apparently went to high school or college with and keep meaning to delete but haven’t gotten around to doing so), but if I deleted my Facebook page or someone erased all of our Facebook pages, I would have no way to get in touch with them.  No email addresses, no phone numbers, I’m not even really sure where many of them work.  This then begs the question of whether I would even care, whether I would notice.  Other than missing the procrastination tool that Facebook has become, would I find myself missing any of these people whose virtual presence I had taken for granted?

I already question the ability of kids growing up in this age of technology to truly cultivate any real relationships.   Remember when we were in high school and we had to – gasp – speak to our friends on the house phone?  That meant, not only were you constantly at the risk of mortification at the hands of your parents or siblings who might beat you to the phone and insist on speaking with your unlucky caller, but you also had to be prepared to speak to your friend’s parents any time you called their house.  I truly believe that you simply haven’t gained the same level of character, if you never had to call and ask for a guy or girl and hear their father yell across the house “it’s you girlfriend/boyfriend” upon which you promptly died a little inside.  With the introduction of cell phones, kids never had to deal with a friend’s parents.  In fact, now you don’t even need to speak to your friends.  With bbm and text messages, most people don’t even pick up the phone.  Granted, I am as big a fan of the text message as the next girl and - to send a quick message, to try and set up easy plans, to send a one-liner, they are certainly more efficient than dialing a number – or rather clicking on a name, we don’t even know people’s numbers anymore.  I once went a day or two without my cell phone and realized the only people I could call if I wanted to were basically my parents or my ex-boyfriend (whose number I had long since deleted from my cell phone but I annoyingly could not erase from my memory), I hadn’t been forced to memorize many other numbers.  Today we create entire friendships without even requiring the face to face interaction.  Kids go home from school and talk to each other on the computer, rather than spending time together or having a real conversation.  I’m guilty of this too, I’ll go months without really speaking to some of my closest friends because I’ll speak to them almost daily via Gchat or check the updates on their Facebook page and as a result won’t feel as guilty when I’m  too lazy to actually make a call when I have the time to.  Thanks to Gchat and Facebook I will have the artificial sense of being caught up with their lives, a somewhat manufactured closeness. 

Texting, Facebook posts, tweets and an occasional email have become our primary form of communication.  People don’t just pick up the phone anymore.  People conduct entire friendships via written words.  We have gained the ability to completely lose our voice.  Intent is often lost without expression and inflection.  What effect has this had on people’s relationships?  Face to face meetings have been replaced with the internet.  We no longer have to think on out feet, react immediately, say what we mean without first analyzing the correct response, discussing wording with a cohort - we are able to truly manufacture so many aspects of our life.  I am embarrassed to admit how many times I have artfully crafted a text message response to a friend’s object of affection at the request of such friend because they don’t know what to say or prefer my wit to whatever their response would be.  And while I’m not suggesting people didn’t always put on a bit of charade in the beginning of relationships – both social and professional, this ability has been truly exaggerated in the current age.  We are able to mask our true selves for much longer; we are able to create entire personalities that we control from the privacy of our room.  Protected by the computer screen in front of us.  Of course, you might have beat me to this next thought – but this phenomenon has led to the prevalence of online bullying that has become a constant on the news, with the resulting suicides, the questionable parenting skills, the confusion over how kids could be so cruel.  People are able to act in ways they would never act in person courtesy of the shield of a computer.  We edit our thoughts in ways we never did before and delete posts as if they were never said. 

I went to my high school reunion about a year ago and realized how utterly pointless it was.  Thanks to Facebook, the entire need for small talk had been eliminated.  What have you been up to lately? Oh, never mind, I know – congrats on your wedding, your new job, your kids – I’ve seen so, so many pictures of your kids.  The concept of a reunion survives entirely thanks to the ability to engage in small talk.  As you can imagine, with no better options, we drank heavily and fabricated friendships the old fashioned way.  We woke up the next day with pounding heads and no intention of speaking to the many people we promised to hang out with.  While I truly appreciate many aspects of Facebook , and barely got through the 3 weeks it was blocked at my office, I do question what it has done to our ideas of friendship, our ability to accurately feel certain emotions, the way it has encouraged our laziness and general complacent-ness.  I do think that the overwhelming amount of new technology, while helpful in so many ways, has weakened our personal relationships.   I do fear that the ability to have so many virtual friends blurs the realities of our social lives, helps us believe we have many more significant relationships than, in fact, we do, keeps us in many ways from feeling lonely while ultimately making it easier to find yourself alone.  It has been said many times that New York, while being one of the most populated cities in America (if not the most populated, I haven’t checked stats) can also be the loneliest and the most isolated.  It’s hard to imagine that being surrounded by so many, many people, you can find yourself so completely alone.  With Facebook, we’re also able to keep up appearances.  To look as though we have lots of friends, to trick ourselves into thinking we have relationships that don’t fully exist.  The truth is we may have hundreds of Facebook friends, but if we're spending our Saturday nights alone, is anyone believing the façade?  Are we believing the façade?