Life in a Post-Apocalyptic World

I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t slightly disappointed that the Mayans got it wrong.  And I’m as horrified to write that as you are to read that - except, of course, for the 5 people who wholeheartedly agree and know that I’m lying about being horrified and are unsure what cop-out line to fall back on now that the apocalypse did not come to pass. (As a disclaimer: This piece is for entertainment value only and is not meant to cause concern or imply a need for serious medications.  I’m not sure I’d be wholly opposed to serious medication depending on what you’re offering (I kid), but my point is you shouldn’t take this post (or yourself) too seriously.  So, read at your own risk, or whatever.) To clarify, I’m not talking about those of you who went ahead and packed backpacks full of essential supplies (whatever it is you deem essential when the world has ended) to survive in post-apocalyptic America, with the zombies and lack of electricity and warring factions.  People could argue I have some depressive tendencies as of late (I prefer to call it ‘being realistic’), but you folks are batshit crazy.  I’m also not empathizing with those people who traveled to destinations where they thought they’d be spared – seriously, folks, did you read about the people traveling to small town Bugarach, France because of its doomsday appeal?  Apparently people in that town thought they’d survive the apocalypse, on a mountain top, maybe or maybe not as a result of an alien presence.  Aliens.  I’m not kidding.  So, to be clear – while I awaited December 21^st with curiosity and disturbing anticipation, I was quite certain the world would indeed go on and all I’m saying is that when my alarm went off as scheduled that morning and I looked out my window to see everything quite intact, there was a slight feeling of letdown.  I mean, at the very least there could have been a downed tree or two or perhaps a miraculous (and short-lived, since Christmas was approaching and I’m not trying to embrace the Grinch in all this) subway failure or bridge closing, so as to avoid just one trip to the office.

Just take a minute to think about the appeal, if the world ended I wouldn’t have to go through the same song and dance about expensive and bullshit new years eve plans in a week (reason enough), I wouldn’t have to worry about health insurance dictating life decisions, I wouldn’t have to plan two bachelorette parties next year, I wouldn’t have to third (fifth, seventh, ninth) wheel dinner parties any longer and most importantly, I wouldn’t have to go to my job.  All I'm saying is there was an appeal to being able to walk around the last few weeks saying “oh well I don’t have to deal with that thing or issue, because the world is going to end, la la la.”  Someone, somewhere is scoffing at my rationale with an arrogant “yeah, because you’d be dead, jackass” sort of response.  That someone isn’t wrong but it also doesn’t change anything I just said.  So, there.  Lawyered.  Someone else is awkwardly trying not to point out that if I wanted to end things, like, umm, my life, I, err, likely, could, you know, do that.  Also, not inaccurate.  Perhaps that even warrants a touché.  But, first of all, that isn’t my intention.  I’m not suicidal, I’m just bored and tragically unimpressed by life’s current state of affairs.  Also, I’m a little insulted you aren’t assuming I’d be like Katniss and would be one of the survivors.  I actually think I would be.  Let’s be honest, not only could I run circles around you, I’m way more clever than most people out there (and boy does that shit becomes more and more apparent everyday).  So I’d bet on my odds, you know, for like 3 days until my insulin ran out and then I’d be screwed. 

But the point is, after 2 or 3 or 7 (I’ve lost count and have never really been good at math) recently failed predictions of apocalyptic doom, this was the last hurrah for doomsday enthusiasts.  This was, supposedly, the big one.  The Mayans warned our sorry asses about December 21, 2012 centuries ago.  Although, I have to admit that the hysteria before Y2K and even last year with the rapture actually seemed more impressive than the lead-up to 12-21-12.  In fact, I couldn’t help but be disappointed with the lack of extremists on the streets of New York preaching about coming to Jesus before the end or alerting us of our imminent demise.  But nonetheless, this one was prophesized, it wasn’t some fanatic preaching from a mountain top, this was an entire civilization throwing up their hands and saying "sorry gang the calendar ends, so, enjoy it while you can." 

Of course, that’s actually not what they said at all.  The truth about the date's significance is fascinating really.  The Mayans indeed acknowledge December 21, 2012 as the end of their calendar, but it seems they did not interpret that to mean the end of the world (leave the panic to the white people).  The prophecy of Tortuguero was misinterpreted and while it indeed predicted the end of a cycle in time which would take place in 2012, the end of a cycle of days is not equivalent to the end of all days.   In fact, Guatemala and Mexico (and other areas where the Mayan culture lives on, I'm too lazy to list them) were preparing for the start of a new era, the start of new days, not the end of days.  They planned to welcome in this new calendar with celebration, as the start of something fresh, a new beginning – yes, but not necessarily one resurrected from the ashes, full of zombies and militia.  (Yes, yes, I’ve clearly gotten my apparent views on what this post-apocalyptic world would look like solely from AMC and NBC.)  Not the promise of destruction, instead the promise of something new.  I could certainly get on board with the idea of welcoming in a new era.  Indeed, leaving 2012 and the years that came before not just in the past, but in an entirely other cycle of life, doesn’t sound too bad to me.  In fact, it sounds refreshing and therapeutic.  (Oh that - that was just some bad call in another era of time.  Can't worry about that anymore.  Thank you Mayan calendar.)  They prepared for parties to celebrate this rebirth, so to speak, not to drink themselves to an oblivion in preparation for impending doom (though, to be fair I imagine the hangovers were about the same).  Call it a spiritual awakening.  A more dramatic version of new years resolutions.  I kind of like the idea of ushering in a new era and preparing for change.  Maybe after years of bad luck and unwarranted hits from karma, the planets will shift and the stars will realign and life will go on exactly as it was, except for oh-so-differently.  I'm down with that. 

Of course, in some ways it could be argued that the world has in fact already ended.  Perhaps we’re living in the aftermath of civilization and didn’t even notice the transition.  Let’s recount the last few months, the tri-state area is still recovering (and will be for quite awhile) from the latest natural disaster to hit the east coast; senseless mass killings have been taking place across the country without any hope for comprehension, and no promise of justice, igniting people across the states in a heated debate about gun control (I will not engage, I will not engage); Europe is in crisis and unrest is growing throughout the world; Bloomberg essentially acknowledged global warming was a "thing" as we went from a hurricane to a nor'easter and then back to 60 degrees within 2 weeks and even the naysayers are starting to have a hard time disagreeing; and I heard at least two of my uber republican friends praise Obama in the last week (if that’s not proof of the world ending, I'm not really sure what else you're looking for). But, at least on the surface, we seem to have escaped a fiery demise - or however exactly it was people expected this thing to go down.  So, here’s to moving forward in this new era, in this post-apocalyptic world that didn’t exactly come to be.  Let’s still use this as a reason to leave the bad behind, to cleanse, to restart and let's see what this next cycle has in store for all of us.

But, as one last ditch effort to hold on to my pre-Deceber 21st views of what may lay head, in addition to the more dramatic things I'd like to leave in this former era, here is a list of 5 random things I hope don't survive this new post-apocalyptic world.

1. The word "epic."  I mean we tried to leave this back in 2010 but there are some really persistent followers that keep trying to make this come back (stop trying to make fetch happen, it's not going to happen). 
2. Call Me Maybe.  (Damn you Carly Rae and your catchy lyrics.  I long for the day when I can say the phrase “this is crazy” without immediately following it up with “but here’s my number, so call me maybe.”)  Gangnam Style.  (I think my hate for this song culminated when my remote control got stuck on the today show - okay, it didn’t get stuck, I’m sure I voluntarily subjected myself to that program and then later complained about how irritating it was - and I was forced to watch someone's Griswold style abundance of Christmas lights dance to this 'anthem' in the aftermath of Sandy, while most people I knew were without power.)  And Taylor Swift, in general. Just shhh, stay behind Taylor, stay behind.
3. Times Square. Look, I never claimed my wish list was realistic but I sure as shit would not miss Times Square if the world were to disappear. Honestly, I'm not sure what horrific war crime I committed in a past life to be subjected to that area each day after leaving my nightmare of a job, but I imagine in my next life, walking through times square will be punishment for stabbing a tourist in the face.
4. AIM.  Like really, how is this still a thing?  I recognize for 9/10 of the world it is something they vaguely remember from college or high school and they’re not sure they even remember their password, but I keep signing my ass on everyday to appease my 3 friends who have not yet managed to embrace Gchat.  What's that? I could just not sit on my computer at work and chat with people all day long? Stop it.
5. The Kardashians.  Who cares.  Seriously, why do you people still watch their shows and give a shit about their many, many failed relationships and idiotic shenanigans.  I’ll admit I tuned in, on occasion, to one of the early seasons to see what the fuss was about and couldn’t help but be amused by their antics and absurd drama...but enough already.  Kim’s multi-million dollar wedding special (and immediate divorce) represented all that is wrong with America and let’s be honest, if any foreigner wanted to prove that Americans are dumb, they’d merely have to point out how many years these people have been gracing our television screens and rolling around in piles of money they earned simply by being reality stars, I imagine we’d have a hard time arguing their logic.