The big 3-0 really lends itself
to self-reflection and so in an effort to distract myself from the impending
doom of old age and the onset of 30-something depression, I decided to take a
moment and think about some of the things I've learned. I intended to come up with a solid 'top 10' and
ended up with 45. Even I recognize that 45 might be too many, so it’s 30 for 30
folks (and this means despite what I would tell you on a normal day –
apparently I have learned a lot.
Implementing life lessons is an entirely different discussion, of
course.) You may disagree with half of
them (in fact, you probably should), but they are a
series of facts (some that are somewhat
deep and some that are painfully stupid) I've acknowledged at this point...as
they apply to me. Because a clean and
straightforward list really isn't my style, I've naturally expanded on the
"lessons" with the sort of running commentary of which I'm so
fond. Fear not, I'm not trying to
compete with, or copy, the glamour list that's been making the rounds again - I
mean let's be honest, I probably hate that list.
1. There are very few things that a glass of
red wine can't cure. There are less things that 2-3 glasses can't
cure.
2. I will never regret waking up early to go
to the gym...but recognizing that
will not stop me from hitting snooze 10 times tomorrow.
3. It's okay to make mistakes. And I
will make plenty of them. I already have. This isn’t to say I will stop beating myself up
over every detail of every wrong decision, missed opportunity or careless (or
not so careless) error, but to err is human as they say. I am not dismissing culpability and
accountability in this dialogue, but acknowledging errors has never been my
problem and at this stage I’m finally learning I need to give myself a break.
4. Money can't buy happiness. Not
that I've been blessed with riches, but that much I've learned. It can be a good place filler for a while and
it can buy a lot of other things and provide a “comfortable lifestyle” that
sometimes result in temporary feelings of happiness (and god knows it I've tried retail therapy
enough to know) but it turns out what they say is true – the real treasures in
life have nothing to do with gold.
5. Laughter truly is the best medicine. After a
bad day (week, month, year) laughing with a good friend is often the only thing
that will really improve your mood. It is
often said that you have to be able to laugh at yourself. I can and do often. But, it is more fun, and probably healthier, when you laugh at
yourself (and generally other people and things) with a hilarious friend. At the end of a good jam session of laughter
with one of your besties (this will be the only time I use the phrase bestie in
a non-ironic sense, so embrace it), you generally can't even remember what you
were down about in the first place. If
you can’t relate, you should probably make new friends.
6.
The grass
is rarely greener on the other side, but knowing that won't stop you from
wanting it. I want it - whatever it is - SO bad.
7. When you look better, you feel better. This
isn't to say I follow this mantra most days because the idea of waking up even
15 minutes earlier to do my hair or apply makeup seems like a real burden. But, I have to admit that on the days I manage to summon the energy to throw on some
mascara and wear a cute outfit with heels, I feel a lot better than the days
(most days) when I half-straighten my hair and leave my apartment in a probably somewhat frumpy (albeit comfortable) ensemble.
7(a)
Glasses are a great alternative to
putting on eye makeup. So invest in a stylish pair of frames
immediately.
8. Dancing in front of the mirror is still the
fastest way to shake a funk. And yes, shake was a deliberate choice of
word. Raise your hand if you thought of
me during that episode of “Girls”. Oh,
just one person? Fine, whatever.
9. It's crazy to pretend you're not crazy. By this
I'm referring to the crazy girl syndrome, if you are indeed a crazy person it's
actually quite understandable to feign sanity, though I assume that isn't in
your best interests long-term. What I'm
saying is -if you're a girl someone will blame ‘crazy’ for at least one of your
reactions. Just accept it and move
on. It doesn't matter if you actually
are or not, people will jump to that conclusion anyway, and misinterpret what
you say or don't say. You are emotional
and dramatic and you probably overreacted despite the merits of your
argument. So don’t waste your time
trying to disprove this gender role by putting yourself through a situation you
would prefer to avoid in order to keep up appearances. The good news is because this is
such a deep-rooted and accepted cultural notion, you will generally be forgiven for your "irrationality." So, stop worrying about
how you look or how certain words or actions will be perceived and just roll
with it, if you don't you will actually drive yourself crazy trying to convince people otherwise. We've all suffered through an awkward or downright painful situation because we didn't
want to "appear" like a crazy girl who cared...and to be fair I
probably didn't care that much...most of the time. Then I grew up and realized "Girl, that
shit is crazy!" (and let's be honest, you're probably not fooling
anyone). I now refuse to put myself in potentially
uncomfortable situations and I assure you I'm doing everyone a favor by folding
my cards.
10. There are certain things that people say - even in
the professional setting (like the phrase v-card) - that will make me chuckle
like I'm 12, no matter how old I get. I
bet you’re now thinking of a few other examples of your own.
11. A phone call is better than an e-mail. An
email is better than a text. A text is
better than facebook. Facebook is the devil.
Rinse and repeat.
12. It's okay to be selfish. Just don't be a douche. The
truth is you have to be selfish, it can be a cruel, cruel world out there and
ain't nobody going to put you first if you don't (snap snap snap). I've had
(we’ve all had) things taken from me by someone selfish enough to get what they
wanted because I hesitated or tried to take the virtuous path. The fine line exists between those people who
did that to me whom I will never forgive for their treachery and for those
situations for which I will never forgive myself for bowing out. I've also
suffered through plenty a thing that I should have just selfishly avoided in
the first place. Sometimes it’s hard to balance the desire to not hurt
someone's feelings with the desire to not want to jump off a bridge when faced
with a given situation. So I've learned that at the end of
the day (Worst. Expression. Ever.) you have to be selfish, but just don't be a
douche.
13. I should have my own television show...or
at the very least a book deal. (just had to sneak that in there for
fun...but really, my life is clearly a sitcom).
14. A first impression should be just
that. Let there be a second impression. It's okay to make snap judgments about
people, as long as you're willing to be proven wrong. Of course, it’s probably better to not make
those snap judgments in the first place, but I'm a realist. I recognize there are many people I misjudged
after first meeting and how different my life would be if I had not given them
a second...or third...chance.
15. Almost nothing is permanent. For
better or worse. If you're in a bad situation it won't always be bad, and if
you're in something great, don’t take it for granted. This isn't to suggest you should live in fear
or start conspiracy theories. And on the flipside, it doesn't mean you should
wait around for your situation to change.
It just means we all have to learn to appreciate the good in our lives
and have faith that the bad will be replaced with something better (keep in
mind better is a relative term, I'm not promising you a fairy-tale. There are no knights in shining armor in
NYC. I know - you're thinking of that
Disney movie "Enchanted.").
16. My life won't magically be better 5lbs from
now. I'm pretty sure I was part of some bizarro live studio audience at
Universal Studios for some failed NBC talk show (I'm not being elusive, I
honestly have no idea what it was called) and we got a book with a title
similar to that which I promptly used as a prop for an uneven table leg, but
I've since found this statement to be true and yet I'm still not sure I'll believe it 2
months from now. I've wanted to lose
5-10 lbs since I was approximately 8.
Oh, you didn’t already think you were fat at 8? Well, la di freakin da
for you. Over the years my weight has
fluctuated and looking back at those times when I was 5-10 lbs lighter than I
am right now, I admit I wasn't necessarily happier and of course, I still
wanted to lose 5-10 lbs. I've learned
that eating healthy provides many benefits other than weight loss, that
exercise is not just a means to an end and that an indulgent meal is
well worth it on occasion. I've accepted
I'll never be as thin as I want to be and while I’ll keep striving for new
goals and likely keep trying new diet and exercise fads, I won’t be defined by the
number on the scale.
17. No one has it all figured out. No one.
Nope, not even that one person
you're thinking of that always seem so god damn put together. Or her mom.
Not even her mom.
18. Empathy is underrated and there are few
greater compliments than being considered a good friend. So
don't take that role lightly, it carries tremendous responsibility. I'm not saying I'm thankful for the things
that have gone wrong, the hard times I've endured, the pain, the
disappointment, the heartache (good lord re-reading that list warrants a
#poorlittlerichgirlisagreatnailcolor or #firstworldwhitegirlproblems or
something...luckily I don't tweet, but you know what I’m trying to say) -but it
has made me a better person and it has made me appreciate things and people,
which in turn has made me a better confidant and a good listener and those
skills make me who I am. I'm often the
shoulder to cry on, the tough love guru or the bearer of objective advice and
more than anything I've learned those roles are a privilege and not a
burden.
19. I am stronger than most people give me credit
for. Period. End of story.
20. Whatever you're feeling, there's a
someecard for that. And somehow those stupid cards have an
incredible way of making you feel better about whatever it is. Solidarity or something. And I mean, whoever (first) made the "everything
happens for a reason and sometimes that reason is you're stupid and make bad
decisions" someecard is clearly my soulmate. It’s a shame I don't believe in
soulmates.
21. The ability to be by yourself and be okay
by yourself is probably the most important life skill out there. I have
friends who I fear would literally die if they were forced to be on their own
and while I truly hope I'll never have to find out if that's true, the reality
is no one can predict the future and you have to know you’d be able to get by
relying on just YOU and be comfortable being alone at times. I’m not embracing this as a reason to stay alone and I’m not suggesting those times are not sometimes lonely, but the
skills you ultimately discover and the inner dialogues you are forced to have
should not be overlooked. It's those
alone times when you really learn who you are in the first place and until you
know that, who's life are you living anyway?
22. You can compromise your beliefs but
eventually they'll catch up with you.
I'd prefer not to expand on the
details of this life lesson.
23. It's okay to be sad about the things you
don't have. It really is and it’s also okay to express that sadness. Just find the right audience (some people
lack the ability to relate, others will just make you feel stupid). If you're like me, you often feel guilty when
you’re in a funk because of all those things you should be grateful for (I
believe health always tops the list. Which, I mean, meh.). And while perspective is certainly important,
it's okay to mourn for the things you want and a good cry every now and then can be better than therapy.
24. Everyone should have a hobby. Seriously,
get a hobby. Remember back when you used
to be interesting? I'm sorry, that was
presumptuous. Perhaps you were never interesting. But if you were, you probably had a hobby
then. We've become such a two
dimensional society in so many ways.
Life isn't as cookie cutter as you think. I'm tragically bored by so many of you.
24(a) Yes, I know this is cheating. I tried to
sneak it in once already but by now you’re probably wise to me. But here’s a little sub-truth as a push in
one direction. The greatest reward comes from giving a damn. So
if you’re without a hobby, find something your passionate about and try to make
a difference. Just try.
25. You actually do catch more bees with honey
(or whatever that expression is). So be nice to people. Smile.
Say thank you. If you're nice
people will want to help you, rather than hang up on you or spit in your food. However, I'm not denying there's also a time and a place to
go into bitch-mode and you should never let someone take advantage of your
niceness. And sometimes no matter what
approach you take, it just won’t matter.
(i.e. Time Warner).
26. Most people, at their core, are good...and
noble and compassionate, and if you let them, they will surprise you. That is
all. I am constantly humbled by the
goodness and generosity of others. Thank
you good people for melting my cold, cynical heart.
27. Worrying won't get
you anything but wrinkles. From what I've heard anyway, my superior
moisturizing routine (sarcasm) has allowed me to avoid any early onset
wrinkles. I am notorious for losing sleep as a result of something I have zero
control over. If a mistake was made, it was made and you'll somehow fix it (hopefully).
Replaying conversations won't change what was said and going through 100 ‘what
if’ scenarios will still not prepare you for the one thing that might actually
go wrong. 95% of the time it's not as bad as you think it could be and then you
lost years off your life for nothing. But even if it is as bad as you're fearing, hours spent worrying
won't change it, so go out and have a glass of wine and don't worry until it happens, or however that saying goes. (In sum, do as I say not as I do).
28. Sometimes friendships fall apart. You don't have to like it, but you have to
accept it. Sometimes you're to blame, sometimes no one is to blame. Life is messy and complicated and sometimes
growing up means growing apart. Treasure
those friendships you still have because relationships - all kinds of
relationships - are what make life worth living.
29. Everyone is a little bit racist. (or
rather, prejudiced). Gasp. I know. Naturally, as a state college educated sociology major I feel warranted in making that
determination. But really, can't we just stop being so GDPC all the time and
admit it already? Everyone has
prejudices, everyone makes snap judgments about certain demographics - for
better or worse. I bleed liberal blue
to an obnoxious degree but I'll acknowledge the irrational reactions I've
justified and then dismissed. Maybe someday the world will be
a different place, but for now I’d argue it’s more important to not cling to
those snap judgments that you’re inevitably going to make and let people prove
you wrong, rather than concentrating so hard on saying the right thing. Anyway, it's boring to be around people who only say the right thing.
29(a) Sub-rule/Counter-rule (I know, I know, I’m
cheating again): It's important to
educate the ignorant, even if you fail, and you will likely fail. Welcome
to America folks.
30. Life doesn't stop at 30 (or at least I
hope it doesn't). And it’s not too late to make changes, real changes, to find yourself,
to find your happiness and to find where you should really be.
