I once went on a date with a guy who laughed like a hyena. Loud, erratic, and embarrassing. In keeping with the animal theme I think I burrowed my head into my sweater like an ostritch in an attempt to hide. But, I was still there. One of my best qualities is my sense of humor and yet the last thing I wanted to do was make this guy laugh. It was the longest hour, and naturally included the slowest barkeep, of my life. I tried to talk about the weather, underdog sports teams, Darfur (or Tibet, or the the Gaza Strip, whatever was most relevant at the time) anything that really shouldn't induce laughter. He was awkward and uncomfortable and made jokes and laughed at them (the way that I do, but I like to call my annoying qualities endearing). Luckily, I went out with another guy not long after and learned that I had vastly underestimated how long an hour could be. It was a set up and people are surprised I still speak to the setter upper, although they appreciate the story. I don't tell fairy tales. I've certainly kissed my fair share of frogs, but I'm not a princess. Once upon a time, I was set up on a blind date with Carrot Top. Only it wasn't Carrot Top because he was skinnier and didn't make jokes. At all. Not even bad ones. Instead, he judged me. We met at a bar - his choice. Yet, he didn't drink. Pardon me if I'm confused but if you don't drink why would you invite me to a bar? In return, I made sure to order two drinks I mean, I had to, after learning he didn't drink I finished the first while he ordered his water. He then proceeded to judge me, and everyone else who drank, for our reliance on chemicals and mind altering whatevers. Mind you, we were still at the bar. He was clearly alone in his sentiments but that didn't stop him from his holier than though self-righteous bullshit. From there it got worse. He turned up his nose when he learned where I worked, denouncing anything that represents "Corporate America". Is it lonely up there on your pedastal? Of course, I assume its easy to judge others for selling out when you have a trust fund. I'm sure that wasn't funded at all thanks to someone's contributions to "Corporate America". Jackass. He then proceeded to judge my hometown. I'd be shocked if he'd ever really heard of it, but meanwhile I was biting my tongue for blood to avoid expressing my views on his place of birth. I'm not sure why I didn't leave immediately, I suspect it was something like a train wreck, and part of me wanted to see what else could happen. When I did finally leave, after what felt like an agonozing 5 hours, my watch informed me I had actually only been there for 54 minutes. Another time, I went out with a guy who was generally pleasant despite being a little nervous and just not my type. When the bill came he insisted on paying (+2 points), however his credit card was denied (-4 points), he apologized, seemed genuinely confused and handed the waitress another card. (+2 points), that card was denied. (-50 points). The scene was palpably awkward, if I could have melted into the floor I would have gladly done so. I tried to "I dream of Jeannie" out of there (Did I just reference a television show from the '60s?, is this why I'm single?). No luck, instead I probably just looked like I had turrets or was having a seizure. Fortunately, no one was focused on me. Once my attempts at becoming invisible failed me, I threw my credit card at the waitress, making eye contact with no one and still trying to will myself to just die. As I signed the check, he apologized while I simply wondered how it was possible that I was still sitting there. It was the most uncomfortable goodbye I've ever experienced (well that's probably not true, but it was up there). Now don't get me wrong, I'm not heartless - I felt bad for the guy, and probably would have gone out with him again just for the sake of sparing his self esteem slightly, if he texted the next day with an excuse (I mean, just lie, seriously) or an offer to make it up to me (although I probably would have suggested we meet at a fast food joint for fear of getting stuck with the bill again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me) but instead I received radio silence for weeks. Sorry kid, you reached your expiration date. Oh and p.s. you're welcome for the meal. Prior to that debacle, my most uncomfortable "check" experience had been at a cafe where we paid up front. It was winter, I was bundled up, hat on, gloves on, bag all zipped up, the date was over and I was ready to go. We had each had 2 glasses of wine and as I waited beside him he turned to me and asked me for a $20. After I got over the surprise, and realized he was serious, I took off a glove and handed him $40, he clearly needed it more than I did (I never said I wasn't spiteful), turned my heel and walked away. While I have strong views about proper first date behavior and social norms (suffice it is to say I do not claim to be a feminist), splitting the check isn't a dealbreaker for me in the right circumstances. Standing and approaching our goodbyes and asking me for a mere $20 was tacky and insulting.
My last serious relationship left me damaged and devastated. I was a puddle on the floor for months, I'm still not entirely clear when I finally got back up and out there. I've suffered through dates with friends of friends out of respect for the friend only to be insulted by the report that they just weren't that into me (but wait, I wasn't into them FIRST!). I've attempted to date the friend in a desperate reach for a When Harry Met Sally happily ever after. Turns out my life isn't an 80's movie and the awkward aftermath was not even slightly worth it. I've been stood up. I've been tongue raped on the sidewalk. I've been too scared to act and had to smile as someone potentially worth it introduced me to their new girlfriend. And yet, I'm still putting myself out there. Some days. Depending on my work schedule, my pant size and my level of overall defeat. I'm nowhere near as out there as most of my friends, and I truly admire them for their perseverance. But, the point is, I haven't (completely) given up (yet). Most days. And why? A quick review of my dating history doesn't leave much hope for the weary. But, somewhere deep inside that cynical and jaded heart of mine, I believe there has to be a point to all this. I hear success stories from friends, reminding me of why I bother and I feel a slight flicker of something resembling hope. I watch romantic comedies (although generally only when I'm hungover, so to be fair my guard might be a little down) and I think to myself, I want that and it seems somewhat attainable. I attend wedding after wedding and sometimes I even let myself fantasize about my own dress. Somewhere, deep inside, there is part of me that believes all these horrible first dates will lead to more than just an entertaining story for my friends. Perhaps, someday I'll be able to say these bad dates made me really appreciate what I eventually found. Perhaps not. But, I guess in that case at least I got a few (although obviously not all) free meals out of it...
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