Monday, March 28, 2011

White Guys Don't Like Curves: The Case for Moving to South America

Like any single female approaching 30, I'm all too familiar with how rough the dating scene has become.  Especially in New York where I won't even speak the ratio, because, quite frankly, I don't have time to be on suicide watch.  Like most ladies in this fine city, there are certain times when you just feel completely beaten up by it all.  Sure, those times pass but its easy to get in a funk around here.  However, may I suggest its not you, its him - and not in the "its not you, its me" breakup line where every self-respecting individual understands it is, of course, them - but more in the sense that a little perspective and change of scenery can be a powerful thing.  Next time you're feeling down, take a vacation (no big deal, I'm sure your boss will get it) and reevaluate.

Traveling to Central or South America, or an island in the Caribbean has made it very clear to me that I am living in the wrong place.  This realization does not result from the fact that most of these places resemble paradise, although they do.  It is not because the American dollar goes so much further in these countries that I can practically convince myself I’m a millionaire, although that’s a happy consequence as well.  The simple truth is that my self esteem is never higher than when I travel abroad.  Despite the fact that I only speak about 10 words of Spanish (but at least those words include hello,  thank you, water, bathroom and red wine – so, you know, the important ones) and would live in constant fear of the water, I’m certain in some ways I’d be much happier.  The sad reality is white guys don’t like curves, or not real curves anyway.  (Disclaimer: I realize this is a gross overgeneralization and both stereotypical and quite possibly highly offensive, it's just a blog folks.)  Or perhaps this applies mostly to guys in New York, I haven’t fully tested the theory elsewhere.  But among the guys I know and observe, it is clear that they prefer a female with the body of a 12 year old to a female with the body of a woman any day.  If you’re larger than a size 2 (maybe a 4) you are obese in the eyes of most men and since I contemplated but gave up any and all considerations of a cocaine habit years ago, I’ve been forced to accept the fact that I will never be a size 2 and as a result will never be pursued (or even considered) by the majority of Manhattan's eligible bachelors.  Of course, it’s a slight dilemma for men who are taught at an early age to salivate at the mere thought of breasts, but thankfully with the increased popularity of implants a girl can now be both a size 2 and a D cup – hallelujah.  I'm not sure who or what exactly is to blame? I could jump on the blame Kate Moss bandwagon (once again showing my age - see the post below), shes been a good scapegoat for girls of my generation.  I could blame nature in general - take a psychoanalysis approach and suggest it has something to do with men wanting to be a protector and little things are easier to protect/control.  Of course, a few generations ago, curves were in.  I was clearly born in the wrong decade (the wrong decade, the wrong continent).  Perhaps the men of today have just gotten lazy and can't form opinions beyond what Hollywood informs us is sexy.  In fact that sounds about right on many counts (And, I'm pretty sure that will lead to another blog post), but it is more than that.  At some point, there was a significant change in what was viewed as desirable.   This isn't a revelation or anything even remotely new.  We've been aware of this trend since we were kids.  I mean please, we started dieting in elementary school (oh wait, was that just me?). So, I'm not claiming to be onto some new, original idea.  I'm just noting that this trend seems so American, so New York, so, "pretty fly for a white guy" specific.  So what's my point?  I'm not sure I ever have one, but I think what I'm saying is - don't give up! Don't feel bad about yourself! Don't you dare let some man make you feel unworthy.  (I am woman, hear me roar! or whatever).  Instead, just hop on a plane, get the hell out of dodge, and come with me to South America or Mexico - it'll be like Christmas morning.  Promise.  

Sunday, March 13, 2011

We need Facebook 101 for our parent's generation; but when have we officially aged out?

My mother recently discovered the wink face on text message. I'm not sure who filled her in but she found it and she loves it. How do I know she loves it? She uses it all the time. Generally speaking, a wink face from your mother is not appropriate, so you can only imagine my reaction every time I open a text and see the wink. Granted this wink is placed next to a "c u soon" or some other abbreviation that we used on instant messenger 12 years ago. Once again, I am not certain where she got these little short cuts from, I imagine we included them in emails when we were 17 or in some instances, in letters sent from sleepaway camp when we were younger - in which case I'm simply impressed she recalled them decades after. Of course couple this with the fact that she still generally signs her text messages love mom, or rather luv mom, shows how much she is still learning about the text message process, and presumably new technology in general. To be fair, this isn't an attack on my mother. My friends tell almost identical stories about their parents texting and email habits. For example, my friend's mother recently learned to bbm. For some reason, she really focused on the concept of a ping (something I, as an iphone user, had to google to understand), and she now sends every bbm by typing a ping at the end ("Hi dear. ping"), but to her credit she sent a 3-way bbm recently - a skill I have not yet had the opportunity to master/google (You Go Mama!). Another friend told me she had to stop live chatting with her mother because she would sign off on every gchat message. In other words, in a 5 minute conversation, "love mom' would be visible 50 times. She couldn't fully grasp that it wasn't an e-mail. Every so often I have parents of friends friending me on facebook, and while my life -both in reality and in the social media realm- is much tamer than it was a few years ago (not that it was ever that wild, but it is downright boring now), I'm still not sure how I feel about this phenomenon. I'm friends with aunts, uncles, cousins - all who have the ability to view my idiotic comments and thoughts. And worse, the comments and thoughts my friends make on my wall or the pictures I'm tagged in when I'm regrettably not by a computer and cannot immediately detag. Like my mother's text messages and my friend's mother's gchat messages, many of these parents sign off their wall posts with a Love Mom or a Love Aunt so-and-so. If nothing else, perhaps the visibility or privacy settings on facebook should be explained to this generation. FYI, A post on a facebook wall is different from a facebook message which is more in line with an "old-fashioned" e-mail. facebook 101. (please note this is not a post about social media etiquette, that is a whole topic for another day.) I'm in no way suggesting that once you reach a certain age you are not permitted to visit social media websites, hell if that were the case I might argue I've already reached that age. I am simply describing the weirdness that is your mother's friend commenting on every single facebook post or status you make. I don't want to offend anyone but there is simply no way you are so interesting that every update requires validation. I would have blocked this mother's friend long ago had this example been about me. Not to mention the fact that the activity level of some of my parent's friends or friend's parents on facebook quite frankly exhausts me. I question where they find the time and then remember they are retired, so why not play farmville?

Perhaps my biggest issue with this phenomenon is just how much it highlights the gap between generations.  It makes sense that individuals who were not raised by the digital age would not catch on as quickly as those of us who were.  What concerns me is it makes me wonder at what point do we become that generation?  At what point will I be embarrassing my nieces and nephews with my inability to grasp the hot new craze.  And perhaps a little farther in the distance, when I'm driving my kids and their friends to soccer practice, what mortifying music will I be playing on the oldies station?  Jay-Z? Lady Gaga? (and what will motown, doo-wop, and even the beatles be considered when Biggie qualifies as the old stuff the lame parents are listening to).  And let's be honest we don't do ourselves any favors, we age ourselves too.  A few months ago, a friend and I reminisced for hours (notably, in front of other people who couldn't grasp our obsession with the topic) on the phenomenon of mix tapes.  We used to spend hours recording songs off the radio (trying to hit stop just in time to catch the end of the song without having the deejay's voice beat us) and pop them in our walkmans.  Recording a mix tape for someone was a timely and thoughtful activity, and the same remained somewhat true with our graduation to cds.  You did not have the unlimited space of a playlist and had to fit all your songs within the time constraints of 80 minutes.  Plus, there was generally a method behind the order because people didn't just hit shuffle.  And with tapes, forget it - the art of fast forwarding or rewinding just enough so that you got to the next song, that was a talent only the especially skilled possessed.  Kids today, they're missing out.  I actually found a mix tape not too long ago when I moved and was faced with the harsh reality that I couldn't even play it if I wanted to.  I'm not even sure the last time I saw a casette player.  I'm pretty sure this realization made me cry.  Perhaps I was nostalgic, or perhaps I was just really tired of packing.  Anyway, I digress.  The topic is how we already seem to highlight our age in many situations.

Not that long ago I was discussing a show or a song from the mid to late 90's before realizing I was speaking to a 23 year old who had no clue what I was talking about.  Oh. right,  you were only 9. I also recently discovered that kids in their late teens are not familiar with The Breakfast Club, or Ferris Bueller's Day Off.  I learned this when I brilliantly (predictably)  used an overplayed line that isn't even funny, such as Bueller? Bueller?  Anyone? and received radio silence in response from my cousin.  They don't understand the phrase 'Zach Morris cell phone' because they've been rocking a cell phone that fits in their pocket since they were 5. "Donna Martin graduates", "the dude abides", "the sea was angry that day my friends",  "you're so money and you don't even know it," none of these classic lines  mean anything to them (shameful).   We sound pathetic and quite possibly a little crazy when we quote these shows and movies and then laugh (a little too long, and a little too hard)....alone.  How are our cultural references already becoming out of date?  I fondly recall the days when I was the cool older cousin, now I'm not so sure that view hasn't changed.  I'm not so sure that every time I make a comment that completely dates myself, my cousin doesn't shake her head and roll her eyes a little the way I do when my mother signs off from a text message...